This morning I woke up with a sense of clarity. Why have I always felt the need to be so nice to everyone?
I find myself, "killin' em with kindness", all the time. I know I do it. I have always done it.
Even when my best friends shit on me, I forgive and forget. Well I forgive.
I will never be able to forget some of the things that people have done, but I tolerate their presence because apparently my other friends have no sense of loyalty or trustworthiness. I still show up and am nice.
That's how I was raised:
funny sidebar via Chris Rock regarding "how you were raised".
Well, I was raised by the Golden Rule, treat people the way you want to be treated. So, even when I am being treated like shit, I still turn the other cheek and show kindness. Partially, because I think people need to be shown how to act. Perhaps, because even my ego wants me to show hate that I am above their disdain for other people they were designed to connect with.
I have been told I over-tip on bad service. I treat service people who are shitty to me with extra "thank you's" etc, to show I am unaffected by their rudeness. I go above and beyond to prove I was raised right.
Why?
This comes back to bite me in the ass.
Time after time, I am reminded that people will not treat you the same, because they don't give a shit.
But, I cannot bring myself to treating people poorly in response.
Newton's 3rd Law of Motion sums it up:
Every action does have a equal and opposite reaction, but generally, I believe this theory is only in response to the animal-istic knee jerk reaction, not the well thought out, I-will-think-before-I-act-reaction, which I am prone to.
I am constantly self-proposing alternate modes of being. I would like to see myself enlightened sometime in this lifetime, so I tend to extend boundaries(let lines in the sand be crossed), thinking that I may learn something.
I hope I have learned something. What? I am not sure, but this lifetime has shown me so many more levels of life and what it offers than I could ever imagine, and every day I am shown more light.
I hope I am never burdened with the darkness which is the opposite reaction of what I stand for in life.
Hope.
Give Thanks.
Remind myself every day to look for light and goodness, no matter what surrounds me.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Charlie Sheen and Beck
I have a feeling that Charlie Sheen in his downward spiral of personal dismay was more self aware than we all believe:
Listening to Beck this morning, I noticed some lyrics that I think I've heard before, (perhaps slurred and more arrogantly stated by the notorious Sheen), but a statement of true being.
"I'm a driver, I'm a winner; things are gonna change, I can feel it".(Loser, Beck)
Everyone needs a cheerleader in life, and sometimes it's oneself.
I'd like to challenge all the judges of Charlie Sheen's life to think about a low point in their life when the only reason you got out of bed is because you cheered yourself out of the dark covers, and pulled the sheet off of your own head.
This is all.
Listening to Beck this morning, I noticed some lyrics that I think I've heard before, (perhaps slurred and more arrogantly stated by the notorious Sheen), but a statement of true being.
"I'm a driver, I'm a winner; things are gonna change, I can feel it".(Loser, Beck)
Everyone needs a cheerleader in life, and sometimes it's oneself.
I'd like to challenge all the judges of Charlie Sheen's life to think about a low point in their life when the only reason you got out of bed is because you cheered yourself out of the dark covers, and pulled the sheet off of your own head.
This is all.
Red Flags and Intent
This may be something I have covered before but is super important.
I have been in so many situations lately where I am confused, or agitated, or realize my thought process is off balance with the world around me... and it all comes down to Red Flags and Intent.
I recently explained to a friend that I was looking for specific things in a relationship. I was very clear about my requirements for fidelity, honesty, and monogamy. I also shared feelings that I had regarding being in a relationship in the past where I was made to feel like I was a secret. Come to find out, this past relationship was maintaining another relationship at the same time, which clarified all the feelings I had at the time.
There were specific details of this past relationship that I explained in order to clarify the things that contributed to my current list of things that make me go "hmmm". Likely red flags that would end any possibility of any relationship based not only on my history with these types of actions, but the intent behind them as well.
When a man tells you that he does not add women he is dating to a public media forum and then you find out, that is because his other girlfriend(s) is/are in this forum.
OR
A man asks you not to share photographs of you two together, for whatever reason.
OR
Cell phone secrecy...ie. going into the bathroom to return phone calls or texts.
I actually kicked open the door of a men's restroom in a bar once because I knew my date who had been glancing at his phone all night had finally gone into the restroom to return texts. The look on his face as I kicked the door open and found him standing directly in front of the urinal, with his phone in his hand, doing exactly what I knew he was doing....priceless. Half the bar got a giggle.
These few things are simple examples which proved to be masks for shady behaviors. I have a sixth sense for human nature. I can not explain it. But, whether anxiety, or stress, or nervousness - men (mankind) change their behaviors when they are up to something. Sometimes it can be a good surprise - a surprise birthday dinner, a super duper present they have been hiding, or even a proposal. But, more often than not, it's simply hiding the obvious. The good surprises eventually unveil themselves...the obvious, but not so good, never uncover themselves, they are usually revealed by someone else.
This is where intent comes into the picture. The purposefulness of the secrets. Regardless if one thinks they are doing someone a favor by "not hurting their feelings" someone else's feelings are bound to get hurt. I have never been able to stress the importance of honesty to anyone I have ever dated.
You aren't sparing my feelings by hiding that you like to spend time with someone else.
I would prefer you save me my from wasting my time on someone who isn't sure what they want. Then it is my choice.
My choice to continue to date openly - perhaps I want to date five men simultaneously. That should be my choice, not bound to someone who commits to monogamy...but only for me.
My choice to decide to sleep with someone who is likely sleeping with (or trying to sleep with) other women.
My choice to find someone who is more like minded.
My choice to not buy bullshit.
Funny enough, the friend I was having this discussion with, couldn't understand why I was so sure that these red flags meant the same thing for every man. To which I respond:
The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts...
it is not one individual item or red flag so to speak, but the teamwork of all the flags which make a scenario.
I have been in so many situations lately where I am confused, or agitated, or realize my thought process is off balance with the world around me... and it all comes down to Red Flags and Intent.
I recently explained to a friend that I was looking for specific things in a relationship. I was very clear about my requirements for fidelity, honesty, and monogamy. I also shared feelings that I had regarding being in a relationship in the past where I was made to feel like I was a secret. Come to find out, this past relationship was maintaining another relationship at the same time, which clarified all the feelings I had at the time.
There were specific details of this past relationship that I explained in order to clarify the things that contributed to my current list of things that make me go "hmmm". Likely red flags that would end any possibility of any relationship based not only on my history with these types of actions, but the intent behind them as well.
When a man tells you that he does not add women he is dating to a public media forum and then you find out, that is because his other girlfriend(s) is/are in this forum.
OR
A man asks you not to share photographs of you two together, for whatever reason.
OR
Cell phone secrecy...ie. going into the bathroom to return phone calls or texts.
I actually kicked open the door of a men's restroom in a bar once because I knew my date who had been glancing at his phone all night had finally gone into the restroom to return texts. The look on his face as I kicked the door open and found him standing directly in front of the urinal, with his phone in his hand, doing exactly what I knew he was doing....priceless. Half the bar got a giggle.
These few things are simple examples which proved to be masks for shady behaviors. I have a sixth sense for human nature. I can not explain it. But, whether anxiety, or stress, or nervousness - men (mankind) change their behaviors when they are up to something. Sometimes it can be a good surprise - a surprise birthday dinner, a super duper present they have been hiding, or even a proposal. But, more often than not, it's simply hiding the obvious. The good surprises eventually unveil themselves...the obvious, but not so good, never uncover themselves, they are usually revealed by someone else.
This is where intent comes into the picture. The purposefulness of the secrets. Regardless if one thinks they are doing someone a favor by "not hurting their feelings" someone else's feelings are bound to get hurt. I have never been able to stress the importance of honesty to anyone I have ever dated.
You aren't sparing my feelings by hiding that you like to spend time with someone else.
I would prefer you save me my from wasting my time on someone who isn't sure what they want. Then it is my choice.
My choice to continue to date openly - perhaps I want to date five men simultaneously. That should be my choice, not bound to someone who commits to monogamy...but only for me.
My choice to decide to sleep with someone who is likely sleeping with (or trying to sleep with) other women.
My choice to find someone who is more like minded.
My choice to not buy bullshit.
Funny enough, the friend I was having this discussion with, couldn't understand why I was so sure that these red flags meant the same thing for every man. To which I respond:
The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts...
it is not one individual item or red flag so to speak, but the teamwork of all the flags which make a scenario.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Me...Today
I have been sharing a lot of experiences and occurrences lately, but as to sharing of myself, it's been pretty surface. It's easy to share your day, or a third party story, but as to how each interaction touches you personally, those are the events that make a moment important...valuable.
I spent the past few days in New Orleans and I got to party like it was my job...again. I do this, time after time. Smiling and dancing and drinking and spreading love - reminding the world around me that I am special, if only for a couple days. I can make anyone giggle. I can make the surliest and most bitter, laugh and smile. I appreciate the music of life and share that with everyone around me.
The funny thing about this special talent of mine is that it all stems from the fact that I have felt so little love... received so few smiles. The world around me is serious. My childhood was serious. The standards I was held to as a child were too tall for me to grasp. I make people happy, because I wanted that so desperately in my life. The moment that stands out in my childhood, which I wrote about in my first published work, was the moment that my father told me not to call him Dad. I have spent my entire life letting things roll off my back and putting on a smile because that is how I trained myself to cope with the fact that my father did not, would not, acknowledge me as his child. The one person he was supposed to love back.
I thought I had let it go.
My outer person shows the world that I am unaffected.
The reality is, it has molded everything about me.
Why I can't sustain a relationship with a man, or continue to choose men who are simply unavailable.
Why I believe I am so undeserving.
How easy it is for me to push people away and keep everyone at an arms distance...keeping myself safe.
How I have let cocktails and giggles define me to the world, so the world wouldn't be saddened by another damaged parcel.
A gift to everyone but myself.
This week, I pushed someone so hard while simultaneously having the best time of my life, and showing those around me how to have a good time...how fun I am. It is quite a talent I would say, to bring people together with your charm while keeping them away with moments of doubt and foolish antics. I am a professional at this. If it were a career, I would be rich.
I spent the past few days in New Orleans and I got to party like it was my job...again. I do this, time after time. Smiling and dancing and drinking and spreading love - reminding the world around me that I am special, if only for a couple days. I can make anyone giggle. I can make the surliest and most bitter, laugh and smile. I appreciate the music of life and share that with everyone around me.
The funny thing about this special talent of mine is that it all stems from the fact that I have felt so little love... received so few smiles. The world around me is serious. My childhood was serious. The standards I was held to as a child were too tall for me to grasp. I make people happy, because I wanted that so desperately in my life. The moment that stands out in my childhood, which I wrote about in my first published work, was the moment that my father told me not to call him Dad. I have spent my entire life letting things roll off my back and putting on a smile because that is how I trained myself to cope with the fact that my father did not, would not, acknowledge me as his child. The one person he was supposed to love back.
I thought I had let it go.
My outer person shows the world that I am unaffected.
The reality is, it has molded everything about me.
Why I can't sustain a relationship with a man, or continue to choose men who are simply unavailable.
Why I believe I am so undeserving.
How easy it is for me to push people away and keep everyone at an arms distance...keeping myself safe.
How I have let cocktails and giggles define me to the world, so the world wouldn't be saddened by another damaged parcel.
A gift to everyone but myself.
This week, I pushed someone so hard while simultaneously having the best time of my life, and showing those around me how to have a good time...how fun I am. It is quite a talent I would say, to bring people together with your charm while keeping them away with moments of doubt and foolish antics. I am a professional at this. If it were a career, I would be rich.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Bats...or Birds...
New Orleans never ceased to amaze me
Only because I was just in Austin and had the opportunity to watch the bat show down there was I even aware of this kind of bird/ bat sensation. It was absolutely amazing.
Only because I was just in Austin and had the opportunity to watch the bat show down there was I even aware of this kind of bird/ bat sensation. It was absolutely amazing.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Misadventure
This morning's yahoo music headlines: "Amy Winehouse (singer extraordinaire) died from misadventure, or drinking too much alcohol"
...not a drug overdose, as was assumed.
"The report stated that Amy died of "misadventure," since she voluntarily put the liquor into her system. "The unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels (of alcohol) was her sudden and unexpected death," the coroner wrote."
(original post by Daniel Kreps in Amplifier)
When I think of misadventure, I think of "adventurer's" like Aron Ralston, who fell into a canyon and had to cut his own arm off to escape death. A climber. An outdoorsman challenged by his chase of the world, caught up by the teeth of earth, and able to survive by sawing off his own arm minute by minute, second by second...127 hours of (Mis)Adventure.
Since when is an alcohol or drug overdose classified as misadventure? Amy Winehouse was an alcoholic. Not an adventurer. She was addicted to alcohol, pills, recreational drugs and challenged only by life itself, and maybe her talent. Her extreme and vivacious talent.
The other irony of the coroner's statement was the separation in definition of misadventure, as opposed to usual reports of drug overdose by celebrities, and those lucky enough to have their name in the paper when they overdose on recreation or prescription drugs.
Here is the reality:
Alcohol is a drug.
(link)
Alcohol is one of the most widely used drug substances in the world. Alcohol use and binge drinking among our nation’s youth is a major public health problem:
BAM! Are we calling this adventure?
and why?
Because it's legal...which only means we can tax it.
Now marijauna is legal in some states, why? Because we can tax it.
Maybe tomorrow, heroin, or ecstasy...and then we can all be adventurer's.
...not a drug overdose, as was assumed.
"The report stated that Amy died of "misadventure," since she voluntarily put the liquor into her system. "The unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels (of alcohol) was her sudden and unexpected death," the coroner wrote."
(original post by Daniel Kreps in Amplifier)
When I think of misadventure, I think of "adventurer's" like Aron Ralston, who fell into a canyon and had to cut his own arm off to escape death. A climber. An outdoorsman challenged by his chase of the world, caught up by the teeth of earth, and able to survive by sawing off his own arm minute by minute, second by second...127 hours of (Mis)Adventure.
Since when is an alcohol or drug overdose classified as misadventure? Amy Winehouse was an alcoholic. Not an adventurer. She was addicted to alcohol, pills, recreational drugs and challenged only by life itself, and maybe her talent. Her extreme and vivacious talent.
The other irony of the coroner's statement was the separation in definition of misadventure, as opposed to usual reports of drug overdose by celebrities, and those lucky enough to have their name in the paper when they overdose on recreation or prescription drugs.
Here is the reality:
Alcohol is a drug.
(link)
Alcohol is one of the most widely used drug substances in the world. Alcohol use and binge drinking among our nation’s youth is a major public health problem:
- Alcohol is used by more young people in the United States than tobacco or illicit drugs.1
- Excessive alcohol consumption is associated with approximately 75,000 deaths per year.2
- Alcohol is a factor in approximately 41% of all deaths from motor vehicle crashes.3
- Among youth, the use of alcohol and other drugs has been linked to unintentional injuries, physical fights, academic and occupational problems, and illegal behavior.4
- Long-term alcohol misuse is associated with liver disease, cancer, cardiovascular disease, and neurological damage as well as psychiatric problems such as depression, anxiety, and antisocial personality disorder.5
- Drug use contributes directly and indirectly to the HIV epidemic, and alcohol and drug use contribute markedly to infant morbidity and mortality.5
BAM! Are we calling this adventure?
and why?
Because it's legal...which only means we can tax it.
Now marijauna is legal in some states, why? Because we can tax it.
Maybe tomorrow, heroin, or ecstasy...and then we can all be adventurer's.
Amy Winehouse was best known for her hit Rehab, but the following is actually my favorite Winehouse remix, and here's to you Amy, and here's to Misadventure.
"you cheated yourself, but these are the breaks"~ Ghostface Killah
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