What are we looking for? In ourselves? In each other? In relationships? I have thought about this over and over. Why is it so difficult to connect with each other? To make a marriage work? To see eye to eye and connect on a level more than purely physical?
It seems that few people find success for the long term.
I have read numerous books on the subject lately, self-help books so to speak, but truly just books on observation of human behavior and how we treat one another. As I struggled with a conclusion of my own, although as clear as it is, I received an email from a dear friend with the summation of what I had been struggling with through my reading and self-observation:
"I have thought about what men and women look for in each
other. I think all humans search for peace. We search for sanctuary.
Men think that we can get it, achieve it by building it. In part,
anyway, because even if we build it, it is worthless on its own.
Women are the piece that we cannot build, no matter how hard we try.
The part that I think I realized is that we think women want that same
thing. We don't think that what women want is within us, but in what
we can do. If women have a problem, we want to fix it. We do that
because we think that if that problem is solved, you will have peace,
and then maybe that will bring us peace. Sometimes that can work, but
to me, it seems fleeting.
What we have real trouble understanding is that you want a companion.
Maybe we even understand that, but are afraid we don't measure
up...maybe because we can't build the sanctuary (our conception of it,
anyway), give you the things we want to, etc. But what we miss, is
that by being present, listening, truly listening, opening our hearts,
telling you we love you and just want to be with you, that is the
sanctuary we could provide, and the one that you truly seek."
David Steinle
This is as true (and brilliant) a statement as I believe I have ever read and believe in 100%.
We all strive for peace.
We all strive for love.
We exist, men and women, on two completely different planes of beliefs about what that means.
Men build.
Women nurture.
To exist with one another is as easy as understanding these two simple ideas.
To exist without one another is almost impossible.
To understand one another, so complex, yet so clear, almost makes us as human beings, again, as miniscule as the smallest ant, or inane creature which walks the earth. Sometimes the most simple appears as the most complex, only because we make it so. Our ego's will not have us believe that we exist only to provide and understand each other and give love. To evolve. To procreate.
Men want to fix everything. This is how they are built.
Women want to move along the earth with someone, someone that hears them breathe.
Easy?
Not for us.
Sometimes nothing needs to be fixed, only acknowledged.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Contracts between Parents and Children
I have always believed that all relationships should be outlined in writing. There can be no misunderstanding when both parties agree to and sign off on the expectations and rules of their relationship.
When Maddi was eleven years old and received her first mobile phone, I wrote out a contract for responsibility and usage regulations. These were grade and behavior based and included a connection to household chores in order to earn these privileges.
My friends and family thought I was being extreme, but rules need to be set in any circumstance where expectations are involved.
Over the past 5 years, the original concepts have gone out the window, but like any contract, at the end of terms, they need to be renegotiated.
Recently, as a teenager, many rules and boundaries need to be reevaluated and re-regulated. All teenagers need to be reminded of the rules of the household and their responsibilities. I do not believe I am a strict parent but I do have defined expectations, as all parents should.
Grades were slipping, attitudes were high, and then Bam! the teenager lost her phone. An opportunity for me, in deciding whether or not to replace the phone, or let her replace it herself, to effect a new contract and combine all the issues at hand to inspire a platform for conversation and action.
Maddi, of course, wanted a smartphone. Her blackberry was outdated and she felt she needed a new phone. (*note sarcasm) I felt, she could use the free flip phones or whatever they are giving away these days, since she does not have a job, nor pays for any service whatsoever.
The result was a heated debate about her responsibilities as a child, and mine as the parent. Numerous issues came up as a result: lack of chores and earning privileges, poor grades, and an entitled behavior pattern I was done dealing with on a weekly basis.
My solution: reinvent the original contract to include an overview of expectations and rules, in general. In agreeing, a new phone would be gifted (my old phone), and simultaneously we could make our way back to Ground zero and start over. Clean slate, so to speak, to reset the expectation and productivity bar.
Yet, remind the child, who in fact is still running shit, here, in this house :))
When Maddi was eleven years old and received her first mobile phone, I wrote out a contract for responsibility and usage regulations. These were grade and behavior based and included a connection to household chores in order to earn these privileges.
My friends and family thought I was being extreme, but rules need to be set in any circumstance where expectations are involved.
Over the past 5 years, the original concepts have gone out the window, but like any contract, at the end of terms, they need to be renegotiated.
Recently, as a teenager, many rules and boundaries need to be reevaluated and re-regulated. All teenagers need to be reminded of the rules of the household and their responsibilities. I do not believe I am a strict parent but I do have defined expectations, as all parents should.
Grades were slipping, attitudes were high, and then Bam! the teenager lost her phone. An opportunity for me, in deciding whether or not to replace the phone, or let her replace it herself, to effect a new contract and combine all the issues at hand to inspire a platform for conversation and action.
Maddi, of course, wanted a smartphone. Her blackberry was outdated and she felt she needed a new phone. (*note sarcasm) I felt, she could use the free flip phones or whatever they are giving away these days, since she does not have a job, nor pays for any service whatsoever.
The result was a heated debate about her responsibilities as a child, and mine as the parent. Numerous issues came up as a result: lack of chores and earning privileges, poor grades, and an entitled behavior pattern I was done dealing with on a weekly basis.
My solution: reinvent the original contract to include an overview of expectations and rules, in general. In agreeing, a new phone would be gifted (my old phone), and simultaneously we could make our way back to Ground zero and start over. Clean slate, so to speak, to reset the expectation and productivity bar.
Yet, remind the child, who in fact is still running shit, here, in this house :))
Topics for discussion:
1) Rules:
Outlining rules for negotiation and those not up for negotiation
1) You are not to stay late after school without asking first
2) Asking means: you speak to a parent and they respond
3) You are not to make plans with friends for social activities without asking 1st
4) Asking means: you speak to a parent and they respond
5) You are not to invite friends over without asking 1st
6) Asking means: see above ^^
7) When asking for a privilege (going out, spending social time with friends, attending social events whether for school or for pleasure, using the car, etc etc)
if the answer is NO, the topic is not up for negotiation. As the following rules and expectations are outlined below - If you are not meeting these expectations,
do not expect to receive or participate in privileges. To be determined by Parent - not child.
This means: If I say you are not going out, or you may not use the car, I determine which privileges are taken away for whatever expectations you are not meeting - NOT you. This is never up for negotiation.
Your thoughts on the topic, although valuable, are not valid in determining discipline or privilege attainment.
2) Scheduling:
Respecting others
Timeliness
1) In order to maintain respect and order within the household, you are to provide a schedule of mandatory school activities weekly
2) When asking to participate in voluntary school or social activities, you need to give at least 2 days notice to accommodate the household and plans I/we may have as well.
3) If there is a conflict, and options are not reasonable (decided by parent), the parents planned scheduled activities will always come first, as the parent makes plans far in advance and sets the agenda for the household. If there is an exception, this will be noted and reviewed on a case by case basis
4) When set activities and schedules are committed to, a respect for times and on time performance will be mandatory.
5) Late coming and disrespect for the schedule of the parent/ caregiver will not be tolerated and will be met with revocation of privileges.
3) Schoolwork and housework:
expectations
negotiations
timeliness
patterns of habits
attitude
compensation
1) You are expected to complete all designated schoolwork and house tasks, without prodding or attitude. School is your fulltime job. Do it.
2) A chore list will be put into effect immediately with daily and weekly responsibilities
3) Schoolwork and housework is to be done on schedule, not at your leisure - failure to turn in projects or complete designated chores will result in revocation of privileges
4) The choice not to do schoolwork or participate in household maintenance will result in revocation of privileges
5) Consistent abuse of privileges will result in revocation of all privileges for a term to be decided by parent
6) A poor attitude and refusal to participate in household request or poor time management resulting in school or housework being incomplete will result in revocation of privileges.
7) Compensation for good schoolwork, proper time management, good attitude, and satisfactory housework will be the use of car, use of mobile phone, and ability to socialize weekly with friends
8) No extra-curricular activities will be permitted if schoolwork and housework are not made a priority and completed to a satisfactory condition and with good attitude
Bottom line, if you cannot find time for schoolwork and chores, you will not be permitted to make time for social structure. The end. No discussion.
4) Privileges:
expectations
rules governing social life
1) without completing above actions, there will be no social activities
2) all social activities rely on producing (see above)
3) no explanation is necessary when parent feels child is neither producing on either level (schoolwork, or housework), and/or has attitude – the above criteria have been made crystal clear.
4) it is child's position/ responsibility to see what needs to be done and do it, or ask what needs to be done. Assumptions are foolish and will be regarded as a manipulation by child to deceive parents.
5) rules above (#1) to be followed to receive any and all social privileges
5) Behavior patterns and respect issues:
Ongoing problems
New issues
Reciprocating courtesy
The issues under item #5 all seemed common sense to me and I did not feel warranted explanation. Child agreed.
As a result, the teenager stated that this is the most fair contract/ set of rules she has received from me and felt it was all reasonable. That said, she received her phone and we were able to open the discussion on school topics, issues she felt at the "other parents" household, social topics and her feelings.
Quite a success if I say so myself.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Trip Planning/ Life Planning
Two weeks and counting. I will be in London in two easy weeks, then Dublin the week after. A year ago when I started planning this trip, it seemed like "forever away", and now it's here. The planning is done, the tickets are bought, the accommodations are waiting. I have even made a couple new friends before crossing over. One in London and one in Dublin to meet up with and share their fair cities.
I don't know what I am most looking forward to. Being alone for two weeks. Seeing new cities and cultures. Connecting to the randomness that I call my path of connectedness with the Universe and the possibility of meeting an ancestor of some sort in Ireland. Kissing the Blarneystone. Eating new food. Drinking with strangers. Walking roads older than our country. Just being, with no responsibilities.
The hope of something life changing happening.
Eyes wide open.
Living in the moment.
I don't know what I am most looking forward to. Being alone for two weeks. Seeing new cities and cultures. Connecting to the randomness that I call my path of connectedness with the Universe and the possibility of meeting an ancestor of some sort in Ireland. Kissing the Blarneystone. Eating new food. Drinking with strangers. Walking roads older than our country. Just being, with no responsibilities.
The hope of something life changing happening.
Eyes wide open.
Living in the moment.
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