This morning when I woke up, I turned my cell phone on and got ready to shower. My phone immediately went off and there was a voice message from last night from my sister.
Her 80 year old, kind, generous, lovely spirited grandmother had been shot and killed a couple blocks from her home.
Another RANDOM act of violence.
Black on Black crime.
Gun Violence.
Innocent bystander killed by a drive-by.
My sisters message was very powerful. We have different moms, and different maternal grandmothers, but we are very close and I consider her mom my mom. Note: our father was also killed by gunfire. But he lived a very different lifestyle. It was not random. He was not innocent.
Her message reminded me of how short and precious life is. She reminded me of my mantra, "Live every day like it's your last...don't take anything for granted...just LIVE."
She said, "Tomorrow is not promised."
This is a tragedy for everyone when something so unnecessary and violent smacks a community with it's internal hate. These problems will never cease. Teenagers with guns. Poverty. Gangs. Grandmothers driving their friends home getting shot in the head. Senseless. Her message was very emotional and reminded me of my struggle with staying positive. I feel tested often. I feel like LIFE sometimes sabotages my efforts at being positive. Hearing her voice, and feeling her anger. Internalizing that energy which can consume you if you let it, reminded me to stay calm. I took my shower. I went to work. I proceeded with my day. I didn't share my knowledge with anyone because I didn't know how to vocalize those feelings and stay positive. How can you stay positive? I understand her anger. I am angry.
I believe in karma.
I don't believe in personal retribution and vindictive behavior. Because of my belief in karma I turn the other cheek. I try to teach my kids to turn the other cheek. I try to love everyone, even when I get nothing back.
Just a couple weeks ago I wrote a blog about their being enough love in the world to go around. Today it's hard to share love. It's hard to look people in the eye. There is no music that can make this feeling go away right now.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Ski vs. Sand
I have been researching for an entire year on a new vacation spot to spend my 40th birthday with my favorite people. After a year of intensive searching, which included possibilities of Nevis, Greece, and even Cabo (not new not fresh, but convenient to my brother who lives in LA), it has been determined that due to circumstances beyond everyones control - this trip will not happen.
My sister is graduating law school and taking the bar. My brother just bought his first home and is planning a wedding this summer. My S.O. has a daughter graduating high school simultaneously occurring the week we were to travel. So, after a year of planning for me, the end result is travel alone, or wait until the end of the summer instead of my birthday month.
In the meanwhile I am trying to put together a mini-vacation. I just need to get away If only for 3 days, or for a week, I want to go somewhere. I have severe cabin fever. Now, my issue is getaway to a beach, and hope for a romantic getaway, or drive up to a local ski resort and have a few days of clean air and the possibility of a romantic getaway.
I am a beach baby. I need sun for sure, but I don't want to spend the money for a funtastic time someplace I've been a million times before and waste money that could go towards my big trip at the end of the summer. I know I just want to get away, so it really doesn't matter where I go to clear my head and have some peace. The value of the sun is not being overlooked, and there is some pretty good sun to be had on the mountain.
I think I have more issue with the fact that it's my 40th birthday and it's a landmark for me. I'm kind of a birthday whore anyway, so the fact that I will turn 40 without a cough in the empty auditorium kind of bums me out. I certainly do not want a pity party for myself, but it would be nice to be acknowledged and have my friends and family excited to celebrate an important day to me - at the end of the day the sand is just dirt and the snow will melt without my family and friends to share it with.
My sister is graduating law school and taking the bar. My brother just bought his first home and is planning a wedding this summer. My S.O. has a daughter graduating high school simultaneously occurring the week we were to travel. So, after a year of planning for me, the end result is travel alone, or wait until the end of the summer instead of my birthday month.
In the meanwhile I am trying to put together a mini-vacation. I just need to get away If only for 3 days, or for a week, I want to go somewhere. I have severe cabin fever. Now, my issue is getaway to a beach, and hope for a romantic getaway, or drive up to a local ski resort and have a few days of clean air and the possibility of a romantic getaway.
I am a beach baby. I need sun for sure, but I don't want to spend the money for a funtastic time someplace I've been a million times before and waste money that could go towards my big trip at the end of the summer. I know I just want to get away, so it really doesn't matter where I go to clear my head and have some peace. The value of the sun is not being overlooked, and there is some pretty good sun to be had on the mountain.
I think I have more issue with the fact that it's my 40th birthday and it's a landmark for me. I'm kind of a birthday whore anyway, so the fact that I will turn 40 without a cough in the empty auditorium kind of bums me out. I certainly do not want a pity party for myself, but it would be nice to be acknowledged and have my friends and family excited to celebrate an important day to me - at the end of the day the sand is just dirt and the snow will melt without my family and friends to share it with.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Poetry
I have forgotten the beauty of poetry
flow-etry
the rhythm of the words
the music in my soul
the dance of the letters.
Slow like jazz in a hip hop world
my best dress
your low slung jeans
my heels
your sneakers
the piano plays in the background
The taste of one drop of syrup
on my eggs
butter and cream cheese
in a soy based diet
Toffee Nut cream in my coffee
poetry and music
beats and rhymes
thoughts and voices
MINE
MINE
flow-etry
the rhythm of the words
the music in my soul
the dance of the letters.
Slow like jazz in a hip hop world
my best dress
your low slung jeans
my heels
your sneakers
the piano plays in the background
The taste of one drop of syrup
on my eggs
butter and cream cheese
in a soy based diet
Toffee Nut cream in my coffee
poetry and music
beats and rhymes
thoughts and voices
MINE
MINE
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
1st PETA PooPoo of 2008
So, I'm surfing the TV last night, bored out of my mind, and as usual, I can't find anything interesting to watch. I wait 5 minutes and take another lap, rationalizing the commercials must be in rotation about now, and I can get a different perspective of all the visual trash.
Boom!
Model show.
I love model TV. Why? You ask. I have been modeling off and on since I was 12 years old. For those who know me, every 5 years or so I show up in some random TV commercial (must subconsciously explain my need to watch every commercial so intensely). Print is my specialty - lifestyle and athletic to be specific, but strictly a commercial print girl here. So, I've always had a secret admiration for runway and high fashion models. I'm an everyday kinda model, people don't notice me in the catalogs only the clothes, luggage, and watch I wear. I get to make my money and maintain my lifestyle with out any celebrity and annoying people calling me to audition and go on castings everyday. Please note teeny bit of sarcasm there friends.
But, I have a special place in my heart for the tall and skinny that can work a runway and make thick, black, smudged eyeliner look fabulous. I love a girl that has a body of a 12 year old boy that can wear heels taller than me and stomp a runway like she is going to war.
Love these women.
So, I am a secret fan of Tyra's ANTM, Janice Dickenson (even though she is crazy as hell), and the new Niki Taylor/Tyrese [HOTT] MAKE ME A SUPER MODEL BABY show.
I even love the fashion (via Heidi Klum - "work it Mama") and photography reality shows even though the models hardly get any face time. I'm addicted.
So, I'm breezing through round TWO of the cycle and I see Crazy "I'm the 1st Super Model" Dickenson with a PETA rep on her show, explaining to the sensitive models she has in her stable how awful the process of de-furring animals is, and how they should never wear fur or work for a client who uses fur.
During this 3 minute piece, they show the models video of horrible atrocities and ask them to please stand up for what PETA stands for. Then ask the models to walk Hollywood Blvd (yes, the same Hollywood Blvd where many hookers are picked up, and even the same Hollywood Blvd where Hugh Grant was arrested getting oral before his sexy model dumped him) with signs which read "I'd rather go naked than wear fur".
Naked on Hollywood Blvd. OK. Then...you'll love this, the PETA rep and Janice proceeded to tell the models how the possibility of getting arrested was likely, but "hey, it's only a misdemeanor", and how many times have you been arrested, Mr. PETA Rep? - "Oh, hell Janice, I stopped counting after 20" he responded. Because getting arrested is something to be taken lightly these days.
.
Not getting enough media attention with the TV show? Serious. There are far better ways to make a statement without getting arrested. Far better ways to market a point. Far better ways to be successful and influence a country without asking easily influenced, employees I might add, to risk jail time (I don't care if it's only 10 minutes - jail sucks), fines and public embarrassment.
But I must sound like a broken record, huh PETA?
And to Crazy "1st Super Model" Dick... - Good for you for having a fur-free agency. Know when to draw the line. Oh, and don't drink the kool-aid.
Boom!
Model show.
I love model TV. Why? You ask. I have been modeling off and on since I was 12 years old. For those who know me, every 5 years or so I show up in some random TV commercial (must subconsciously explain my need to watch every commercial so intensely). Print is my specialty - lifestyle and athletic to be specific, but strictly a commercial print girl here. So, I've always had a secret admiration for runway and high fashion models. I'm an everyday kinda model, people don't notice me in the catalogs only the clothes, luggage, and watch I wear. I get to make my money and maintain my lifestyle with out any celebrity and annoying people calling me to audition and go on castings everyday. Please note teeny bit of sarcasm there friends.
But, I have a special place in my heart for the tall and skinny that can work a runway and make thick, black, smudged eyeliner look fabulous. I love a girl that has a body of a 12 year old boy that can wear heels taller than me and stomp a runway like she is going to war.
Love these women.
So, I am a secret fan of Tyra's ANTM, Janice Dickenson (even though she is crazy as hell), and the new Niki Taylor/Tyrese [HOTT] MAKE ME A SUPER MODEL BABY show.
I even love the fashion (via Heidi Klum - "work it Mama") and photography reality shows even though the models hardly get any face time. I'm addicted.
So, I'm breezing through round TWO of the cycle and I see Crazy "I'm the 1st Super Model" Dickenson with a PETA rep on her show, explaining to the sensitive models she has in her stable how awful the process of de-furring animals is, and how they should never wear fur or work for a client who uses fur.
During this 3 minute piece, they show the models video of horrible atrocities and ask them to please stand up for what PETA stands for. Then ask the models to walk Hollywood Blvd (yes, the same Hollywood Blvd where many hookers are picked up, and even the same Hollywood Blvd where Hugh Grant was arrested getting oral before his sexy model dumped him) with signs which read "I'd rather go naked than wear fur".
Naked on Hollywood Blvd. OK. Then...you'll love this, the PETA rep and Janice proceeded to tell the models how the possibility of getting arrested was likely, but "hey, it's only a misdemeanor", and how many times have you been arrested, Mr. PETA Rep? - "Oh, hell Janice, I stopped counting after 20" he responded. Because getting arrested is something to be taken lightly these days.
.
Not getting enough media attention with the TV show? Serious. There are far better ways to make a statement without getting arrested. Far better ways to market a point. Far better ways to be successful and influence a country without asking easily influenced, employees I might add, to risk jail time (I don't care if it's only 10 minutes - jail sucks), fines and public embarrassment.
But I must sound like a broken record, huh PETA?
And to Crazy "1st Super Model" Dick... - Good for you for having a fur-free agency. Know when to draw the line. Oh, and don't drink the kool-aid.
Work in progress...
"What is REAL?" asked the rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse." You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
I attended an event for my significant other's daughter and one of the high school seniors who spoke quoted this passage from my favorite children's book of all time. The irony of the importance of this book is remarkable b/c I didn't have the opportunity to read it until I was grown and married, and my mother-in-law found out I had never read it...so she gave it to me as a gift. I treasure this book for so many reasons. I appreciate the thoughtfullness behind the gesture of the gift, but I appreciate this story I think every child should understand. When I heard the most valuable part of the story outloud it was hard to hold back the emotions that touched me deeply. I didn't know the story of the girl who wept as she read her speech, but I knew those feelings in high school when it mattered to be Real, when you weren't. And it mattered what people thought. I also knew how terribly overwhelming it was when I was no longer ugly (except to people who didn't understand) and it no longer mattered.
Here's to having all your hair loved off~
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse." You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand." The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams
I attended an event for my significant other's daughter and one of the high school seniors who spoke quoted this passage from my favorite children's book of all time. The irony of the importance of this book is remarkable b/c I didn't have the opportunity to read it until I was grown and married, and my mother-in-law found out I had never read it...so she gave it to me as a gift. I treasure this book for so many reasons. I appreciate the thoughtfullness behind the gesture of the gift, but I appreciate this story I think every child should understand. When I heard the most valuable part of the story outloud it was hard to hold back the emotions that touched me deeply. I didn't know the story of the girl who wept as she read her speech, but I knew those feelings in high school when it mattered to be Real, when you weren't. And it mattered what people thought. I also knew how terribly overwhelming it was when I was no longer ugly (except to people who didn't understand) and it no longer mattered.
Here's to having all your hair loved off~
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
speaking of diversity...
My live-in BF had a unique concept about the celebration of diversity and of MLK day on Monday. He thought that without people like Dr. King, we might not be together (as a couple). He has decided that MLK is responsible for us being free to date in this society - outside the shackles of racism. I think that concept varies from city to city as I still see stories daily of KKK rallies and incidents of hatred in cities like Jena. I think we are lucky to live in a fairly open city.
I made a point to him that if it were not for Dr. King and the freedoms that we have here in the states I probably wouldn't live here (and thus, we may have never met :). I would never tolerate the injustices that I see on a day to basis on the news. I would never continue to live in a city where I was called out of my name regularly. It would never occur to me that intolerance and hatred was a way of life. Even before I had traveled anywhere I had turned on a TV, I had read a newspaper, I knew right from wrong.
I realize that I am different. I have no issue packing up all my things and getting in my car and driving away. Away from ignorance, away from a bad job, away from a f'd-up relationship, away to my peace of mind. Freedom is expensive, but the most valuable treasure you can have; If you appreciate.
If you don't know any different, it may seem unattainable or overrated.
I can't imagine not being free to do what I want , when I want, with whom I want to do it with. I would never live in a place that didn't allow those freedoms, so it never occurred to me that a celebration was in order.
It is easy to take things for granted when you get a glimpse through someone else's eyes.
I have noticed in my travels that a lot of other countries, although burdened with religious wars and sexist practices, poverty and desperation; racism is not such a celebrated way of life as it is here in America. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.
But, these are only things that I, personally, have noticed. We have the notion here that in France there is a commonly held stereotype that Americans are stupid and crass, and very disliked. My experience proved very different. I tried diligently to practice my French, and my best manners at all times, and I found Parisians helpful and excited to know what I was doing in their country. Extremely surprised that I was American, but very open and friendly to my visit to their beautiful country.
We have some great cities in our nation, but we have an overcast of gloom as well. I feel pretty lucky to live in a city if feel comfortable and safe in. A community not riddled with hatred, smacking of daily reminders of racism and inferiority. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I made a point to him that if it were not for Dr. King and the freedoms that we have here in the states I probably wouldn't live here (and thus, we may have never met :). I would never tolerate the injustices that I see on a day to basis on the news. I would never continue to live in a city where I was called out of my name regularly. It would never occur to me that intolerance and hatred was a way of life. Even before I had traveled anywhere I had turned on a TV, I had read a newspaper, I knew right from wrong.
I realize that I am different. I have no issue packing up all my things and getting in my car and driving away. Away from ignorance, away from a bad job, away from a f'd-up relationship, away to my peace of mind. Freedom is expensive, but the most valuable treasure you can have; If you appreciate.
If you don't know any different, it may seem unattainable or overrated.
I can't imagine not being free to do what I want , when I want, with whom I want to do it with. I would never live in a place that didn't allow those freedoms, so it never occurred to me that a celebration was in order.
It is easy to take things for granted when you get a glimpse through someone else's eyes.
I have noticed in my travels that a lot of other countries, although burdened with religious wars and sexist practices, poverty and desperation; racism is not such a celebrated way of life as it is here in America. Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.
But, these are only things that I, personally, have noticed. We have the notion here that in France there is a commonly held stereotype that Americans are stupid and crass, and very disliked. My experience proved very different. I tried diligently to practice my French, and my best manners at all times, and I found Parisians helpful and excited to know what I was doing in their country. Extremely surprised that I was American, but very open and friendly to my visit to their beautiful country.
We have some great cities in our nation, but we have an overcast of gloom as well. I feel pretty lucky to live in a city if feel comfortable and safe in. A community not riddled with hatred, smacking of daily reminders of racism and inferiority. But, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Diversity
I was out this weekend with a group of friends I don't generally hang out with. This is right up my alley because I love going out. I love meeting new people and I love seeing what people are up to.
The woman that invited me out, I have known for quite a while, yet we have never gone out on the town together. I was introduced to all her friends and we had a blast.
The thing I noticed first about this group was how different everyone was and the 2nd thing was how beautiful everyone's energy was. The natural smiles, the easy laughter. I am constantly surprised by how many cool people I am still meeting on a regular basis. When you open yourself up to meeting great individuals, you do.
I have been immersing myself in activities to meet new people recently. Joining new events, signing up for all sorts of different groups and even taking some classes. I met a group of people online a few years ago. A group of people dedicated to going out on the town and eating and drinking at new places downtown. A good friend called this group my "potluck" meeting. You never knew who would be there or what you would get. It was interesting to me, but not super fun. I have found far better ways to meet people with similar interests and see what people are up to in life.
Yesterday was the official national celebration of Dr. King's birthday. A day of recognizing peace and sacrifice for equality. For me a celebration of diversity. A great reminder to keep on doing what I'm doing because people sacrifice life to allow interactions with (and of) all races, religions and creeds. A day to celebrate having a potluck.
Friday, January 4, 2008
2008...I am Legend
Welcome Back ;)
2008
"il faut que j'y arrive" and I am finally here. This has been a year of so much change and self-realization... and as 2007 came to a close I watched "I am Legend". I was apprehensive because I thought it was about zombies or monsters (based on the trailers). As it unfolded I realized how much deeper the film really was. Everything I know in my heart, but don't really get a chance to speak on very often.
Man and his incurable desire to fix things, save others, and play God.
Injecting music and love into the world to fight hatred.
Faith.
The ability to listen and hear God's voice, and then do the unselfish thing.
My daughter was almost named Marley, and that struck a chord with me b/c at the time (12 years ago) it seemed more granola than unique, so we opted on Madelene instead.
I still see now how much love in the world can change people's lives.
This past year, it has been reinforced over and over that there is enough love for everyone. This is one of the things that my Nana tried to tell me, that I couldn't understand. That and her faith. Lost on the science of my education. But, I get it.
In the last 2 months, I have been inundated with film, book and introduction to people that have graciously offered their support and blessings on my life. Little voices I have heard.
I awoke to 2008 realizing how blessed I am. My family. My lifestyle. My home. The love I have to share with the world. I asked for signs and I chose to see them this time. I cannot express the abundance of goodness I feel around me. As I approach age 40 this year, all I can say is, "Bring it on".
2008
"il faut que j'y arrive" and I am finally here. This has been a year of so much change and self-realization... and as 2007 came to a close I watched "I am Legend". I was apprehensive because I thought it was about zombies or monsters (based on the trailers). As it unfolded I realized how much deeper the film really was. Everything I know in my heart, but don't really get a chance to speak on very often.
Man and his incurable desire to fix things, save others, and play God.
Injecting music and love into the world to fight hatred.
Faith.
The ability to listen and hear God's voice, and then do the unselfish thing.
My daughter was almost named Marley, and that struck a chord with me b/c at the time (12 years ago) it seemed more granola than unique, so we opted on Madelene instead.
I still see now how much love in the world can change people's lives.
This past year, it has been reinforced over and over that there is enough love for everyone. This is one of the things that my Nana tried to tell me, that I couldn't understand. That and her faith. Lost on the science of my education. But, I get it.
In the last 2 months, I have been inundated with film, book and introduction to people that have graciously offered their support and blessings on my life. Little voices I have heard.
I awoke to 2008 realizing how blessed I am. My family. My lifestyle. My home. The love I have to share with the world. I asked for signs and I chose to see them this time. I cannot express the abundance of goodness I feel around me. As I approach age 40 this year, all I can say is, "Bring it on".
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