A full month has gone by since my last post. Time flies, right?
This is how fast my life has been whizzing past me the last fifteen years. I have a daughter who is learning to drive and looking at Universities. My son is truly independant. I am spending a tremendous amount of time alone, and as much as I usually treasure it, I realize one day I will wake up and be old. Not 50. Not retired. Just old.
I look at the blank pages...the empty web space and think of all the things I want to put down, not only for other's to read but to preserve these days. And, I don't, because I realize I am preserving these days, which will soon be a part of my past. The life I once lived. The great days of my youth.
I am already reminded by my sister and my daughter (unbeknownst to either of them) that my fun, party girl life is over. My reputation which once preceded me, now dates me. Now, paves a path to my golden days...showcasing what a fun, great life I HAD. My sister actually asked me if I babysat, as if it was the weirdest thing on the planet - even though I have two kids of my own, my history is far more interesting and outstanding than the concept of me as a mom, which has slowly taken over the last sixteen years, without anyone else noticing.
My daughter asks me to recount stories that made her laugh when she was younger because "Mommy is funny". Oh, Mommy was funny. That's a fact.
And it overwhelms me some days.
As I look forward to watching my children raise their families, I notice the similar paths my siblings are taking...simply fifteen years later than myself. My brother has two children under the age of two, and my sister just had her first child. I have three neices and nephews under the ages of two years old. Yet, my children are teens and tweens. I have advice to offer. I have mommyism's. I have grown up...
and it frightens me.
Have I done everything I wanted to do?
Will I manifest the successes I am still missing?
Will I die alone?
Another holiday.
Another week.
Another month.
Another lifetime.
As you get older you will work in a stable, consistent job. It will suck at times but you will find ways to make it satisfying. You’ll work in some way with the public. Engaging them with your outgoing personality and upbeat spirit. People will enjoy working with you and you will find the wide range of human personalities and traits in the public both a source of inspiration as well as a condemnation of human nature. But overall you’ll persevere and retire, pleased to walk comfortably away from the working world.
ReplyDeleteYou will retire and move overseas. France. You’ll live the last phase of your life here. You’ll be the dignified older woman at the café who drinks coffee during the day and wine in the evening who writes in her notebook and flirts with the young Frenchmen who pass her by. You’ll thoroughly enjoy this phase of your life. You’ll see it as the Universe putting you just where you want to be when you need to be. You’ll write stories, travel the regions of Europe, socialize at parties with the locals and entertain friends who visit from the States.
And then one day you’ll decide to visit the States again. On your flight back you’ll sit at a window seat in the last row of the plane, alone. A young, female flight attendant with fair skin and brown hair will offer you a pillow as you pull out your journal and a small bottle of wine you’ve snuck aboard.
“You remind me of someone I once knew.” You’ll say to her.
She will smile and sit a moment to talk with you. She’ll tell you of how she’s new to the job and exciting to be working, traveling and leading such a glamorous lifestyle that is frantic but fun. And you will just listen and smile to yourself. As the plane begins it’s descent you’ll gaze upon the rising sun and finish the last of your wine. Your final journal entry will read:
“I’ve reached my final destination. It was quite a ride ~”
And you will slowly close your eyes and pass away.
A memorial service will be held for you where many of the people who’ve known you over the years will come from far and away to attend. They will laugh and cry and tell stories about their time spent with you. They will speak of the places you’d been together and the people you’d all known but in the end they will remember you most for the way you made them feel.
And you will be happy to know this.
That is all ~
You are a party girl. Party girls don’t die. They just evolve into another being. That is what will happen to you. You will not live the life that is stable and consistent, white picket fence, two-car garage, raising teenagers, soccer mom and devoted wife and mother. Nah that shit is boring and you are not about boring. No your life is an easy read.
ReplyDeleteYou will always seek love. You will want a man who loves you unwaveringly and unconditionally. An honest man with integrity. You will open yourself up for love and do whatever you can to foster the relationship you so desperately want. You will find yourself doing things to make that happen: laughing a little too much at his jokes, accommodating his whims, mimicking his speech and behavior all in an attempt to create a connection. But it won’t work. Your kindness and good nature will be seen as a way he can get what he wants around you. You will be disappointed but will hang in on every relationship you’re in… longer than you should. But it in the end it will all be the same. Men will do what they’ve always done to you: They will let you down.
But your life will be full and complete. You will not be alone. You will always have ample friends and companions in your social circuit. For you, relationships are interchangeable and friendships disposable. There will always be someone around and you will always find something to do. And it will be fun. Always fun. You’ll run, hike, ski, surf. You’ll climb mountains and stroll along beaches. You will eat, drink, enjoy new experiences and people will always want you to be around. Your party girl life will be less wild and more refined and you will enjoy it very much.
Your kids will get older and will have their own lives. They will start families and you will cherish their growth into people you’ll be proud of. They will think you flaky but adore you and you will love them unconditionally. You’ll find ways to show your affection to them and they to you and you will be a doting grandmother who will chuckle to see how your kids deal with their kids just as you had to deal with them when they were young.
Hail the Soothsayer who thinks they can predict my future based on a book and a blog. Impressive.
ReplyDeleteMany truths...many judgments...and a reasonable end to a story. Albeit incorrect, but feasible.
I will retire early.
But, right here in my own country, on the beach, as I have stated for many years now.
My social relationships are interchangeable. As should all parties be. Fun while they last. If cocktail hour is over - it's time to move on. If you are not opening your circle to new forces, or allowing yourself to be engaged with new potential in your life, you are only denying yourself the possibility of life. (very Anais)
My friends are not disposable, but I am not reliant on them as they are not reliant on me. I may move the most, and be the most hard to keep a hand on, but when you need me I am the most easily found. Say my name - I will answer. We move in parallel universes so to speak - sometimes next to each other, sometimes afar, but I am always here - stable and reliable. Call me, I will answer. Promise.
I have known you for over 20 years now....and a friend I do call myself to you and vice versa....and through the years...ebbs and flows that life is circulating around us....the distance of land and time passing in between...I feel your spirit now as strong as I did the day I met you on a Fall September day in 1986.....and I know you are here for me as I know You know..I am here for you....'cause we got it like that..... ain't nothing disposable about that...GIRLfriend....M
ReplyDeleteMuch Love~
ReplyDelete