Contracts between Parents and Children

I have always believed that all relationships should be outlined in writing. There can be no misunderstanding when both parties agree to and sign off on the expectations and rules of their relationship.
When Maddi was eleven years old and received her first mobile phone, I wrote out a contract for responsibility and usage regulations. These were grade and behavior based and included a connection to household chores in order to earn these privileges.
My friends and family thought I was being extreme, but rules need to be set in any circumstance where expectations are involved.
Over the past 5 years, the original concepts have gone out the window, but like any contract, at the end of terms, they need to be renegotiated.
Recently, as a teenager, many rules and boundaries need to be reevaluated and re-regulated. All teenagers need to be reminded of the rules of the household and their responsibilities. I do not believe I am a strict parent but I do have defined expectations, as all parents should.
Grades were slipping, attitudes were high, and then Bam! the teenager lost her phone. An opportunity for me, in deciding whether or not to replace the phone, or let her replace it herself, to effect a new contract and combine all the issues at hand to inspire a platform for conversation and action.
Maddi, of course, wanted a smartphone. Her blackberry was outdated and she felt she needed a new phone. (*note sarcasm) I felt, she could use the free flip phones or whatever they are giving away these days, since she does not have a job, nor pays for any service whatsoever.
The result was a heated debate about her responsibilities as a child, and mine as the parent. Numerous issues came up as a result: lack of chores and earning privileges, poor grades, and an entitled behavior pattern I was done dealing with on a weekly basis.
My solution: reinvent the original contract to include an overview of expectations and rules, in general. In agreeing, a new phone would be gifted (my old phone), and simultaneously we could make our way back to Ground zero and start over. Clean slate, so to speak, to reset the expectation and productivity bar.
Yet, remind the child, who in fact is still running shit, here, in this house :))

 

Topics for discussion:

1) Rules:

Outlining rules for negotiation and those not up for negotiation

1) You are not to stay late after school without asking first

2) Asking means: you speak to a parent and they respond

3) You are not to make plans with friends for social activities without asking 1st

4) Asking means: you speak to a parent and they respond

5) You are not to invite friends over without asking 1st

6) Asking means: see above ^^

7) When asking for a privilege (going out, spending social time with friends, attending social events whether for school or for pleasure, using the car, etc etc)

if the answer is NO, the topic is not up for negotiation. As the following rules and expectations are outlined below - If you are not meeting these expectations,

do not expect to receive or participate in privileges. To be determined by Parent - not child.

This means: If I say you are not going out, or you may not use the car, I determine which privileges are taken away for whatever expectations you are not meeting - NOT you. This is never up for negotiation.

Your thoughts on the topic, although valuable, are not valid in determining discipline or privilege attainment.

2) Scheduling:

Respecting others

Timeliness

1) In order to maintain respect and order within the household, you are to provide a schedule of mandatory school activities weekly

2) When asking to participate in voluntary school or social activities, you need to give at least 2 days notice to accommodate the household and plans I/we may have as well.

3) If there is a conflict, and options are not reasonable (decided by parent), the parents planned scheduled activities will always come first, as the parent makes plans far in advance and sets the agenda for the household. If there is an exception, this will be noted and reviewed on a case by case basis

4) When set activities and schedules are committed to, a respect for times and on time performance will be mandatory.

5) Late coming and disrespect for the schedule of the parent/ caregiver will not be tolerated and will be met with revocation of privileges.

3) Schoolwork and housework:

expectations

negotiations

timeliness

patterns of habits

attitude

compensation

1) You are expected to complete all designated schoolwork and house tasks, without prodding or attitude. School is your fulltime job. Do it.

2) A chore list will be put into effect immediately with daily and weekly responsibilities

3) Schoolwork and housework is to be done on schedule, not at your leisure - failure to turn in projects or complete designated chores will result in revocation of privileges

4) The choice not to do schoolwork or participate in household maintenance will result in revocation of privileges

5) Consistent abuse of privileges will result in revocation of all privileges for a term to be decided by parent

6) A poor attitude and refusal to participate in household request or poor time management resulting in school or housework being incomplete will result in revocation of privileges.

7) Compensation for good schoolwork, proper time management, good attitude, and satisfactory housework will be the use of car, use of mobile phone, and ability to socialize weekly with friends

8) No extra-curricular activities will be permitted if schoolwork and housework are not made a priority and completed to a satisfactory condition and with good attitude

Bottom line, if you cannot find time for schoolwork and chores, you will not be permitted to make time for social structure. The end. No discussion.

4) Privileges:

expectations

rules governing social life

1)  without completing above actions, there will be no social activities

2)  all social activities rely on producing (see above)

3)  no explanation is necessary when parent feels child is neither producing on either level (schoolwork, or housework), and/or has attitude – the above criteria have been made crystal clear.

4)  it is child's position/ responsibility to see what needs to be done and do it, or ask what needs to be done. Assumptions are foolish and will be regarded as a manipulation by child to deceive parents.

5)  rules above (#1) to be followed to receive any and all social privileges

5) Behavior patterns and respect issues:

Ongoing problems

New issues

Reciprocating courtesy

The issues under item #5 all seemed common sense to me and I did not feel warranted explanation. Child agreed. 

As a result, the teenager stated that this is the most fair contract/ set of rules she has received from me and felt it was all reasonable. That said, she received her phone and we were able to open the discussion on school topics, issues she felt at the "other parents" household, social topics and her feelings.

Quite a success if I say so myself.

The Rules

I flew with someone the other day who put something so simple into perspective in one sentence.
"If you are doing the right thing, you don't have to worry about the rules."
BINGO
As soon as she said it, I realized, I don't generally think about rules at all. Not at work, not as I drive, not in my friendship boundaries. We all know the rules. When you treat people right, when you are doing the right thing, for yourself and the world around you, you don't have to worry about shit.
I do have a loophole for this. Parking. Urgh! I hate paying for parking. I hate getting tickets. I think it's the biggest scam and makes me mad just to think about it. So, every time I park, I stress.
Unneeded, worrisome stress over how long my car can sit without a ticket.
And 50% of the time, I lose. I worry and I lose. Yet, I still do it. Why?
I know better.
I know the rules.
I know I am trying to beat the system. Then I get angry when I get caught.

I look at people who lie and think the same thing. Why bother? You are going to get caught. You have gotten caught before, and you will get caught again. It is inevitable, yet you still do it.
Then you make excuses for why you lied. Really?
I watch people I work with try and manipulate the system. The conversation around the water cooler always circles around the rules...what the rules are, how to beat them, what not to do if you don't want to get caught breaking them.
How about this, do the right thing.
Sound familiar?
The energy people put into wrangling bullshit, and into trying to convince others that they are good people could fuel the energy crisis. Yet, it doesn't, it just fuels irresponsibility and the potential of getting away with something irrelevant.

Safehaven(s) vs Survival Instincts

The topic came up today of kids/ teens driving at the age of sixteen as opposed to eighteen. How do you train them? Should they be allowed to drive alone? What about all the distractions (ie texting, radio, friends in the car). Who and how should these limits be imposed?

My 16th bday: I got out of bed, went to school, came home (normal day so far), picked up my mom's car, drove myself to the DMV, passed the written portion of the state required driving test, completed the driving portion of the state required drivers exam, got my driver's license picture taken, and drove myself home. When I arrived, my mom said "Is it your birthday today?" I responded, "Why yes, yes mom it was, thanks for remembering." So, for me, at age sixteen I was well ready, and quite prepared for the driving experience. Shortly after, one of my mom's boyfriends took thirty minutes out of his day to teach me how to drive a stickshift, and I knew, it was "now or never", if I didn't focus and get it the first time, who knows when I might have had another opportunity to get to learn. I picked it up in thirty minutes. That was twenty five years ago, and I have never forgotten that day.
I grew up figuring out pretty quickly that if I didn't take an opportunity that was handed to me I would be S.O.L., so I never looked a gift horse in the mouth. I took life very seriously, and I soaked up information like a sponge. Because I had to.

Kids now have a certain sense of entitlement. They don't have to learn it the first time, because there will be a re-test. They don't have to play 100% on the field, because everyone gets a trophy. I'm not sure what happened to the concept of "earning" in our society; when everything had to be pc instead of real. I don't like it. We are raising a bunch of pansies. My son says to me often, "It's not fair", and I get much joy in saying "Life's not fair", because it's not and it shouldn't be. There are people who work hard and people who drift by. I do not condone drifters. And I'll be damned if my kids are going to join the ranks of the lazy, entitled.

I thought about my thirteen year old daughter who wants to drive so bad, she can taste it, but can't keep track of her soccer uniform. She won't clean her room. She asks daily if she can go to the mall. We have to push push push to get her to do her homework and clean her room, yet she wants to drive a car.

Granted, I doubt highly I will forget her sixteenth birthday. I am positive I will give her lessons in driving the car. I am sure there will be rules about her being in the car - no texting, no carloads of screaming girls to parties on the weekends, but not because she won't earn it, because her attention span is that of a flea. The commonality of these kids who think they can text, drive, sing, hand their friends something in the backseat, and blow bubbles at the same time, isn't so much a lack of skill. It is a lack of respect and short attention spans. We now live in an MTV generation where everything is right here -right now. We have coddled these kids into thinking that they can do whatever they want with little or no repurcussions. There is a direct correlation between raising independant, self-assured people, and raising dependant, aloof, unconcerned individuals who have no real concept of what the real world looks like outside of their bubble.

The concept of safehaven vs chaos (not knowing if the floor will fall beneath your feet) and survival instincts - which is better? To this question, I have pondered all day. I like knowing I am a survivor. I like knowing I can travel anywhere I want and if I sense danger it is likely I will make it out unscathed. I like teaching my kids about life. Simultaneously, I nurture and coddle, something my parents had an aversion to. So, I am learning along the way, but I try. I often wonder, if I am raising unaffected individuals who will proceed to talk and text, while trying to shovel burger king and tie their shoes, while driving seventy miles an hour down I-25.
If these new rules are indeed for their benefit. I know this is an individual question which should be answered on a case by case basis, but I know in my heart as a parent, you cannot protect your children all the time, but in teaching them how to protect themselves, are we doing a disservice by implementing all these rules and not letting them learn how to do anything for themselves?