What Sherri Wants

I have been catching up on "What Chilli wants", and it's funny - watching her get grilled by a popular radio show host.
"Maybe Chilli wants too much", was his retort to her list of deal-breakers.

(photo courtesy thetvking.com)

Here's the thing with lists. There may be many things on them, but if you don't have standards - if you don't make lists for your self - PRIORITIES and deal-breakers, how can you have standards at all?


I have a list. A very detailed and comprehensive list. Deal-breakers and must-have's, and maybe I won't ever find the man who encompasses all these elements, but if I don't try, I'm not disappointing anyone except myself.
If I settle, why should I expect success?
Is wanting an honest man too much too ask?
A man with a job.
Someone with morals and a solid belief system.
A man that wants a woman to have his back, and returns the favor.
These things are not exceptional qualities. Perhaps hard to find together.
But realistic.
A man who remembers birthdays and wants to treat me special - is this outrageous?
A man who does not need to sleep with other women.
A man who at least knows what he wants in life and tries to go after it - whether successful or not - TRIES to map a life's plan.
A man who loves life. Loves to smile. Loves to laugh. A man who loves my laugh.

What Sherri wants is someone honest and faithful, loving with a huge heart. Someone who has matured enough to realize no one is perfect and accept the things he cannot change, about himself and others, and has integrity in that discovery.

Relationship Collateral

In changing jobs and moving, I have realized that there is always something that has to be given up to bring on the new and the good.

My new house is spacious and so much more comfortable. Yet, I miss my old neighborhood - the convenience of my workout regimen. Don't get me wrong, I love downtown but I love Wash Park the same. One brilliant exchange for another.

Today the same concept occurred to me regarding any relationship - you have to give up something to get something preferred in that moment.

Relationship Collateral

I quickly remembered a relationship which ended badly...and when I say badly, I mean, I went to this boyfriend's house only to be blocked at the door by a housemate who would not let me in because there was another woman in the house...mind you a house partially furnished by me. Bad.
I left that day happy that I knew the truth - confused because I had done nothing wrong, feeling used because my favorite lighting fixture was still hanging above a bed I bought, and stewing because there is no fury as a woman scorned. I will leave this particular piece of history which quickly followed this day, and the actions that followed, with the knowledge that I am now a better person, I leave people dirty doing's to their own personal karma, and yet I regret nothing about my retribution excepting the fact that I wish I could actually witnessed the look on this boyfriends face when he found out how I paid his infidelity back.
Today I experience a different relationship collateral - the concept of separating personal items, paying off debts incurred as a team, monetary (inclusive of but not limited to financial) debt. These things which are indicators of a more mature relationship.
But, nothing ever really changes.
Collateral damage is damage that is unintended or incidental to the intended outcome. At least one source claims that the term "collateral damage" originated as a euphemism during the Vietnam War and can refer to friendly fire, or the killing of non-combatants and the destruction of their property. (Wikipedia)
Funny how terms like this encompass an entire society and become a catch phrase based on behaviors which have become accepted on a day to day basis. In government terms, collateral damage is a part of war...in the terrorizing and killing of enemy countries, sometimes a few innocents must die, or their homes must burn down. A small sacrifice for the bigger picture.
In relationships, infidelity and lying to protect ones self in the light of maintaining a "relationship" is par for the course (no Tiger Woods pun intended). Sometimes sacrifice must be made to ensure one's personal gratification ...outside of commitments made.

In any case, collateral damage, whether a gifted lamp, or a broken soul, or a dead civilian is an indicator of how we fail each other and then desensitize ourselves to the actual value of each individuals gift to the world whether it be in purchase, life, or soul.

Crazy

I overheard a conversation the other day between a young guy and a young girl.

Girl: "Don't you like Susie?"

Guy: "She's a little crazy."

Girl: "Guy's like crazy."

Guy: "True"

I had a guy friend in college who always dated girls who were a little crazy. Crazy-fun in the beginning, then crazy-wacko in the end. We had a conversation about this fascination he had with women who were just plain nuts, and he said flat out, "the sex is better".

And to men it's that simple, the sex with a crazy woman is so good, it warrants the risk of personal safety.

The phrase, "lady in the street and whore in the bedroom" rings a bell here, as I wonder, how many men follow this train of thought. Everyone likes a little excitement in their life, sure. Most people want to find a mate they can take out in public, to business functions, to meet their families, etc. But does the craving for something outrageous outrank the societal standard for something normal?

And what is normal?

I wanted to jump into this conversation and tell this guy - "the sex will not be worth it, don't do it - it won't be worth the slashed tires and the spray-painted profanities at your job, or having your mom pissed off that someone keeps calling your house and hanging up, and these are the best case scenarios. "
But, instead I just walked away and shook my head, thinking about my friend from college who found the windows of his Range Rover smashed after he publicly dumped this crazy girl over a radio broadcast.

Loyalty and Integrity

Where do I start?
This morning? This month?
I have been struggling lately.

My family is struggling with one another. My friends are struggling...with each other. My relationship w/ a boy has struggled. My kids seem to be struggling. I have struggled financially and on the career front. I heard that Pluto is in Mars or something wacky, which is causing everyone to be agitated and combustive. I have tried to lay low and let everyone work out their own issues, knowing in my heart that this will level out. That one weekend coming up soon, this will all just dissipate and things will appear normal again.

These are the thoughts that cross my mind because I understand loyalty and integrity. I have friends I have had for 25 years. Friends that, no matter how much time passes between us, we can pick up where we left off because we have this commonality of respect for one another. I believe that the people I have chosen in my life maintain some form of this same value system.

This morning I woke up with a sense of something great in the air. This actually happens quite often for me, but today it seems odd because I am not in an amazing position in life right now. Like I mentioned, I see relationships crumbling around me. I feel very alone as I sit patiently waiting for the chaos around me to subside. My job situation has improved only in theory as the 1 opportunity which has been presented to me won't begin for another 6 weeks (changing nothing about my current financial debacle). Yet, still I have that powerful sense of energy bursting from my heart.

Then I read my horoscope:

"Talk about high energy. You're ready to take on the world -- and anyone in it who gets between you and your dear ones. That goes double for folks you're not fond of. You're already as loyal as a friend could possibly... be -- but now? Now you're armed and ready to fire. Heaven help anyone who decides it might be fun to see just how far you can be pushed." (courtesy yahoo)

I know where this sense of energy and power comes from. It occurs to me that certain traits are learned, and some people don't get the opportunity to have a great mentor. I have worked recently for a woman with very little integrity. I have seen friendships fall apart because of a simple lack of loyalty. I have watched men throw away good women because they have not yet been taught (by example) loyalty, and/or how to behave when you have it. I realized what gives me the power to get up every day and press on; to move forward in life because I believe in something.
I had the opportunity to meet someone with a kindred spirit. Someone who lived freely. Someone who had a set value system. She knew who she was and no one could take that from her. She befriended me in a time of my life where I believed no one. Everyone was a liar. Men cheated. I had grown to understand this was just the way it was. She understood this as well, but taught me to realize even though the outer circle functions like that. It is not right. It is not good. Your inner circle should represent your beliefs, not mirror the negative that is out there. We did not have to be the so-called, "screw you before you screw me" herd.
This thing...this power that lets me smile even when shit has not only hit the fan, but is all over the walls, stuck in the blades, and seems to be covering everything of value - this thing is the knowledge in my soul that I am living with integrity. That my loyalty is unwavering. Even though someone may do me wrong - I am living right.
This is powerful.

I also realized that this was a gift given to me by an amazing woman who took the time to nurture this gift...for a lifelong friend. It's my turn to give this gift back. To teach loyalty to my friends. To show people through my actions what integrity looks like and demand it in return.
It is my turn to exchange this gift with the Universe, so this feeling I have in my heart is something I see in my friends and lover as well. I made a mistake by hiding out and letting chaos usurp my relationships during this difficult time. This is the time I should be gearing up like a warrior and making my inner circle face their challenges head on, because they can, and they have loyal friends here to help them not only get through but be successful as well.

"Love is, above all, the gift of oneself." ~Jean Anouilh

10 Signs He's Not Good Enough For You

After reading this article (Thanks Larry), I had some tips of my own to share~

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-signs-youre-too-good-for-her_1.html
courtesy askmen.com


The preceding article was funny enough and I'm sure very useful to men who haven't grasped the concept that they deserve someone cool and funny, as well as good looking and whatever other traits they so desire. But, as I read it, I was inclined to think women have the same issues if not moreso defined by the fact that this is not the 50's anymore. Perhaps there is an abundance of women's mags that tell us how to catch the right man, how to be amazing in bed, and how to do all the right things to be appealing. Yet, I hardly ever read an article that says once you've caught this great guy, what that means, and even more important, how you know when to throw it back.

For women, the subtext of most of these articles is, "just be happy you have a man".
Booooo!
"Here are all the right things to do to capture this elusive, fantastic creature".
Booooooo!
How about, what that fool needs to do to catch and KEEP you!

My girlfriends are fabulous women. They are Doctors and Lawyers, and Renaissance Women, Rockin' the Free world. ANY man lucky enough to date one of my friends should count his lucky stars. So, as I read this piece on askmen.com I had to say to myself, Men who are still dating these mindless, blowupdolls; albeit gorgeous, deserve what they end up with because they are simple enough to think that was appealing or engaging in the first place. In response to the askmen.com article:

For my girlfriends out there who are wondering...

Here are 10 Signs He is NOT Good enough for YOU Baby!
10. You find yourself staring into a blank look as you tell him about your life.
It doesn't matter what you are talking about, he just can't listen. You have to repeat yourself over and over again. You find yourself telling the same story 3 sentences after someone else tells it because somehow he missed it. He is always confused about what you're doing and where you're going and swears you never told him.
9. He wants you to have a threesome.
Enough said.
8. Your friends do not like him.
This seems to be a standard for both sexes. If your friends don't like your man, you need to reconsider seriously why you like him. You picked your friends. You've had them for years. You trust them...so trust their judgement.
7. You find you have become a professional ego stroker.
No matter what he's up to in life (or not up to) you are required to make him feel like he's the most awesome at it. "Baby, I didn't know burping could be so girthy. You are the best internal air excretionist ever." Really? Men that are doing great things in life, know it, and don't need you to tell them. This is why they are successful in life. It's called "self-motivation".
6. He always expects you to go "Halfsies".
Call me old fashioned but men need to pay for the 1st date. Period. How you construct your relationship needs after that, based on income, need, lifestyle... whatever, is up to you, But know that whatever you give up in the beginning will set the pace for the rest of your relationship. If you "show him the money" and he takes it, this is what he will expect for the remainder of your time together. And it will get old.
5. He always seems surprised that you've been somewhere or know how to do anything.
He travels for work, but seems shocked that you rented a boat in Italy and sailed around Europe for an entire summer after college. The fact that you speak 3 languages amazes him. Your car beaks down and as you retell the story of how you changed the tire, he asks, "Don't you have AAA?" These men have a low intelligence capacity and even lower concept of what women these days are up to.
4. His mom still does his laundry.
Unless you are 19 and live in a dorm, this is unacceptable.
3. He is jealous.
This is a sign of immaturity, and unless you have done something directly to make him distrust you, this is a passive aggressive sign that he is unable of coping with a mature women who has an active lifestyle. Now if all your friends are men... and they sleep over sometimes... and you drink to blackout stage... and can't tell your new man what you did last night - you are the exception.
2. He has Baby Mama Drama.
If your new man has even one woman in his past that he has a child with, and they cannot have a civil conversation together, this is a huge red flag. As crazy as he says she is, he picked her. Not only did he pick her, but he slept with her..OH, and they had a baby together. Not the best judgement here. Pass.
If he has more than one Baby Mama, and they are all "crazy", RUN.
1. His best asset is the size of his shoe (if ya' know what I mean).
If the only reason you keep going back is because you love the sound of your own voice screaming at the top of your lungs, perhaps you should look into voice lessons. Hot sex does not make a relationship. No matter how you look at it.

Indifference

Synonyms: 1. Indifference, unconcern, listlessness, apathy, insensibility all imply lack of feeling. Indifference denotes an absence of feeling or interest; unconcern, an absence of concern or solicitude, a calm or cool indifference in the face of what might be expected to cause uneasiness or apprehension; listlessness, an absence of inclination or interest, a languid indifference to what is going on about one; apathy, a profound intellectual and emotional indifference suggestive of faculties either naturally sluggish or dulled by emotional disturbance, mental illness, or prolonged sickness; insensibility, an absence of capacity for feeling or of susceptibility to emotional influences. (Dictionary.com)

In working on a collaborative project about the approach to relationship via man and woman, the topic of love/ hate came up. My partner in the project noted, "hate is not the opposite of love, indifference is". I immediately remembered dating a guy in college who told me one night about another girl he had dated briefly. His mom asked him why he treated her so poorly, and he responded, he wasn't treating her poorly, he just wasn't treating her at all. The comment by my friend which jarred this memory from 20 years ago stuck out because even 20 years ago, I realized the impact on any human soul by someone who just doesn't have any emotional connection to the "relationship".

I thought about my own relationships. The past relationships that impacted me when I would still feel passionately about the man; passionately enough to be emotionally traumatized by his indifference. Then I remembered the relationships where I just couldn't care less. Everyone has been on one or both sides of this concept.

Indifference states, in a very proper tone, "I don't give a fuck." We have all seen the Hollywood movies where a couple has fallen out of love and one declares, "I hate you", and the next scene shows the couple making out furiously and declaring how much they love each other. This is the catalyst for most chemistry driven relationships. The passion is defined by the conflict. The conflict is the catalyst for the sexual tension. And we are so stimulus-manipulated up to believe this is healthy.


In watching Duplicity this weekend it occured to me why we enjoy films like this. Outside of the sexy leading characters which Directors use to titilate our senses, we are manipulated into believing relationshps like this might actually work out. Really?
"You think I'm playing you?"
This is not a phrase that should ever be heard in a healthy relationship, yet these two characters end up together...in Rome. Sexy, romantic Italy (preface, in bed for three days earlier in the film). Again, the catalyst for their highly sexually charged relationship relied highly on the duplicitous nature of their relationship.
Had Julia Roberts character been indifferent to Clive Owens character this film would have been boring and less-than-impassioned. Had Clive Owens character been indifferent to Julia Roberts character, the concept would not have worked at all.

Which brings us back to the concept of energy...neither created nor destroyed, exists to contwine us via feelings...emotions... passion. The stuff that makes people want more. And when that energy is transferred? What then?

Indifference?

"I've been you."

The give and take, the unknown and the known, the hot and cold, the rise and fall of relationship

I am working on a new book. It is a subjective analysis of dating and relationships from the point of view of 4 different women. Four novellas. Completely separate, yet all connected.
Today as I research each woman and outline characters, I am building relationships with each one. This is always the fun part for me because it is a very emotional connection I have with each character in order to make them believeable. One of the characters gets on my nerves already. She is a typical girl, "why doesn't he love me anymore...what did I do"? I'd love to have interaction with one of my stronger characters, to relay the message, "He has just given you the opportunity to be loved by someone who gives a shit".
I realize in this project, I have a Sybil type commentary going on, and if I could weave that into the storyline, I think I will have overcome my biggest obstacle; getting my point across without making my chracters too typical.
For myself, I spent the same amount of time as most women after a failed relationship wondering, what I could have done differently, or why I was no longer interesting. Until, I heard the same commentary over and over again from every woman I know. This commonality of hurt after some guy is just done.
He moves on to the next best thing, and women wonder what they did.
As an adult, I have about 5 minutes for that conversation, whether in my own head or out of someone else's mouth. When a guy goes from calling 5 times a day, to calling once a week, I don't ask myself, "why"? I know men are built that way. The same things that attract us are the same things that push us away. Men have short attention spans.
It is challenging to write for both types of characters as my kneejerk reaction is to run. Some of these characters(well most) don't do that, they wait, and they ponder and they question everything about themselves until their self-esteems are whittled away to nothing.
I am having trouble with this character, so I'm going to try to make it fun. Kind of an opposites game. If Summer would change her number and meet 10 new men this week, what would Autumn do? If Summer would throw a divorce party in Bali, what would Autumn do?
If Summer would move to Australia for the summer determined to find the fling of her career, what would Autumn do?
OK, I'm on a roll now.

Why Can't We Be Friends?

A really great song from my youth. I remember it like I remember being at my grandmother's house on Saturdays in the smmertime. I would climb trees to sit on the roof and just chill and eat apples directly from the tree. I watched everyone below as they came in and out of the house. I sat alone because I could and I liked it. I liked the solitude, even when I was 8 years old.

Now 32 years later I listen to a new upbeat version of the same song with the same lyrics and the same meaning and I enjoy the same solitude tonight and contemplate "why can't we be friends".

I don't get the lyrics. I'm not sure they have any meaning at all. "I remember when you drank my wine - you had to join the CIA - they wouldn't take you in the mafia..." What the hell does this mean? Is this guy talking to someone he grew up with that is some crazy loser that collects welfare checks and tells tall tales of being a spy? I mean, does anyone know what the hell this song is about?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1dYpnd_9TFs

I have friends that I have known from a long time back. They drank my wine. They slept with my boyfriend. They gossiped about me. And we simply aren't friends any longer. There is no question "why". YOU know why.
Maybe this is the type of relationship these guys are singing about. Or perhaps this guy has a hero complex. I still don't know, but damn, I love this song. The original was amazing and this particular cover is one of my favorite covers of all time. Thank you smashmouth.