"When we live and speak the truth, we free ourselves to to love well and create the space for someone else to love us." Gary Chapman, Love as a way of life
The above statement is the best summation for the frustration I haven't been able to shake in regards to receiving love from friends and family.
I have worked to create this space, yet find all these rules and barriers in place in regards to others expectations of who I should be.
The challenge of living with integrity is the knowledge that being who I am 100% leaves a lot of people feeling out of the loop. I am blessed to see my circle of friends is becming more aligned with who I am and who I trust, moreso than "do as I say, not as I do'ers".
One of the reasons we are witnessing the downfall of society in this generation is the actions have finally caught up with all the liars of the last decades. The continuum of living outside the realm of fact, or money, or realness - the reality of "credit". Because whether the credit of non-existent funds, or the credit of bullshit relationships, eventually it all catches up to you.
When you have a heart attack, who is there to take you to the hospital?
When you get caught pilfering from your company, and not one friend stood up to tell you "maybe you shouldn't do that - I thought you loved this job", yet all shake their heads when you lose your job and possible get arrested; who built that?
When you feel like not one person you have built relationships in the last 2 years show up, where does the concept of, "what's real" come into play?
You live where you build.
I am trying to build a "cash only" lifestyle.
Put your money where your mouth is.
Stand up for your beliefs.
Share yourself.
And with this ideal, I put down my expectations. The innate human need to believe that what you put out there will come back to you. The need for genuine, unadulterated, unconditional, flat-out-balls-to-the-wall, honest love.
...and that sucks, because I was raised in a fairy tale generation, and have spent my entire life trying to retrain myself.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Top 10 Things Your Man Can Say To You To Let You Know He Really Loves You~
10) "I Love You"
9) "I picked up your dry cleaning today"
8) "My cousin/ brother/ mom is moving out"
7) "I will hire someone to fix the..."
6) "I am going to rub you from head to toe tonight"
5) "I am going to 'Return the Favor' "
4) "I will make dinner tonight"
3) "I am taking you out to dinner tonight"
2) "We are going to Maui for your birthday"
and the Number one thing your man can say to you to let you know he really loves you:
1) "You look skinny"
9) "I picked up your dry cleaning today"
8) "My cousin/ brother/ mom is moving out"
7) "I will hire someone to fix the..."
6) "I am going to rub you from head to toe tonight"
5) "I am going to 'Return the Favor' "
4) "I will make dinner tonight"
3) "I am taking you out to dinner tonight"
2) "We are going to Maui for your birthday"
and the Number one thing your man can say to you to let you know he really loves you:
1) "You look skinny"
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The issue with taking chances
I am a risk taker. Under most circumstances, I look for the edge , think about the odds, and take the risk. If I win, it's a big win. Even if I lose, it's life changing...and, still a win.
Challenge ignites my spirit, and I like to win.
Here's the thing: people tell you to "take a chance", put yourself out there, go for the gold, but they don't follow up, and they don't support the results when you lose. No one wants to take on the responsibility of a loss. Especially in matters of the heart.
I got an email from a friend which really leveled the roller coaster I've been on.
It doesn't matter how old you get, how smart, how mature...when emotion is involved, it's like being a teenager all over again; the insecurities, the angst, erghhh!
So, how many chances do you take? Is it like sitting at the roulette table of life waiting for the big win...knowing that the majority will lose because that's how casino's make money? Or is it like climbing the side of your first Fourteener, know when you reach the top it will be an accomplishment- desperately wanting to quit numerous times along the way, but trekking along until finally you stand at the top...accomplished?
Taking chances involves stepping outside your comfort zone to do something against your better judgment (what you know based on history and probability), with the knowledge that if you lose you may feel stupid because, in all reality, you know better. And Man! I hate listening to, "I told you so's". But, if you win...everyone loves you because true winners take chances.
The thought process that takes a hold of you mid trek though...this is the challenge. The insecurities and the voices of doubt which lead you to quit, to give up 500 yards from the top, to in fact, push your dream aside because "no one else could do it".
I have also seen a man airlifted off of a Fourteener because he wasn't prepared for the journey. I have made it to the top of every Fourteener I have climbed.
I also win at Roulette.
Sometimes taking chances means losing...but what is losing really? A step on the path of life? A realization of a missed action? A need to slow down and reevaluate?
Losing is a concept to maintain strength while winning. Losing is, in fact, the catalyst for winning.
The only issue with taking a chance is not fully appreciating the opportunity to grow, questioning ones' self on the path of opportunity.
The path IS the point.
"When I loved my self enough...I lost my fear of speaking the truth for I have come to see how good it is" ~ Kim McMillen
Challenge ignites my spirit, and I like to win.
Here's the thing: people tell you to "take a chance", put yourself out there, go for the gold, but they don't follow up, and they don't support the results when you lose. No one wants to take on the responsibility of a loss. Especially in matters of the heart.
I got an email from a friend which really leveled the roller coaster I've been on.
It doesn't matter how old you get, how smart, how mature...when emotion is involved, it's like being a teenager all over again; the insecurities, the angst, erghhh!
So, how many chances do you take? Is it like sitting at the roulette table of life waiting for the big win...knowing that the majority will lose because that's how casino's make money? Or is it like climbing the side of your first Fourteener, know when you reach the top it will be an accomplishment- desperately wanting to quit numerous times along the way, but trekking along until finally you stand at the top...accomplished?
Taking chances involves stepping outside your comfort zone to do something against your better judgment (what you know based on history and probability), with the knowledge that if you lose you may feel stupid because, in all reality, you know better. And Man! I hate listening to, "I told you so's". But, if you win...everyone loves you because true winners take chances.
The thought process that takes a hold of you mid trek though...this is the challenge. The insecurities and the voices of doubt which lead you to quit, to give up 500 yards from the top, to in fact, push your dream aside because "no one else could do it".
I have also seen a man airlifted off of a Fourteener because he wasn't prepared for the journey. I have made it to the top of every Fourteener I have climbed.
I also win at Roulette.
Sometimes taking chances means losing...but what is losing really? A step on the path of life? A realization of a missed action? A need to slow down and reevaluate?
Losing is a concept to maintain strength while winning. Losing is, in fact, the catalyst for winning.
The only issue with taking a chance is not fully appreciating the opportunity to grow, questioning ones' self on the path of opportunity.
The path IS the point.
"When I loved my self enough...I lost my fear of speaking the truth for I have come to see how good it is" ~ Kim McMillen
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
No good deed goes unpunished
The questions that are posed throughout this article are jaw dropping in their irony:
Good Samaritan left to die in the street
"What's wrong with humanity?"
"I think people are just afraid to step in; they don't want to get involved; who knows what their reasons are?"
"Their reasons are", they don't want to get stabbed to death on the street. The story within the story is self explanatory - we have a "good Samaritan" who steps in to assist and finds himself bleeding to death on the street. "What's wrong with humanity?"
Great question.
Look around.
The homeless population is staggering.
No one wants to help anyone because of the repercussions.
We have homemakers/ neighbors being fined for helping their working neighbors with childcare.
Check out now if you don't want to hear the truth.
We are a country of selfish, money whores, who care more about our presence than our purpose. The few who do take a stand are isolated, labeled and threatened.
We don't take care of our elders, our impoverished, or our sick.
We are a generation of "me".
I will revert back to my mantra of the 90's "stand for something or shut the fuck up".
And I am guilty.
I walk past homeless people all the time, afraid, curious, saddened. I feel like I do my part, but I think about my kids, and my safety, and I walk on by. I would like to think that I would not walk past someone bleeding in the street. I know in my heart I wouldn't, but I have walked past many a drunk and felt nothing.
Yesterday, a homeless man approached me and immediately I tensed up. I have been accosted by homeless men before - felt up by a bum in the metro in Paris. So, my fears are not unwarranted, but I try to look at each individual as a new experience. As the man approached, he asked if I was Jesus, passing out water and apples today. I was emptying my car of groceries and held a gallon of milk in one hand and a bag of apples in the other. I responded, "Would you want an apple" and he joked with me before continuing on his way, with no apple, but a joke in his spirit.
A human being on the street.
20 seconds of contact.
No harm, no foul.
Tomorrow that man could be laying dead on the street trying to assist my neighbor.
It's not right.
What are we going to do about it?
What do you stand for?
Good Samaritan left to die in the street
"What's wrong with humanity?"
"I think people are just afraid to step in; they don't want to get involved; who knows what their reasons are?"
"Their reasons are", they don't want to get stabbed to death on the street. The story within the story is self explanatory - we have a "good Samaritan" who steps in to assist and finds himself bleeding to death on the street. "What's wrong with humanity?"
Great question.
Look around.
The homeless population is staggering.
No one wants to help anyone because of the repercussions.
We have homemakers/ neighbors being fined for helping their working neighbors with childcare.
Check out now if you don't want to hear the truth.
We are a country of selfish, money whores, who care more about our presence than our purpose. The few who do take a stand are isolated, labeled and threatened.
We don't take care of our elders, our impoverished, or our sick.
We are a generation of "me".
I will revert back to my mantra of the 90's "stand for something or shut the fuck up".
And I am guilty.
I walk past homeless people all the time, afraid, curious, saddened. I feel like I do my part, but I think about my kids, and my safety, and I walk on by. I would like to think that I would not walk past someone bleeding in the street. I know in my heart I wouldn't, but I have walked past many a drunk and felt nothing.
Yesterday, a homeless man approached me and immediately I tensed up. I have been accosted by homeless men before - felt up by a bum in the metro in Paris. So, my fears are not unwarranted, but I try to look at each individual as a new experience. As the man approached, he asked if I was Jesus, passing out water and apples today. I was emptying my car of groceries and held a gallon of milk in one hand and a bag of apples in the other. I responded, "Would you want an apple" and he joked with me before continuing on his way, with no apple, but a joke in his spirit.
A human being on the street.
20 seconds of contact.
No harm, no foul.
Tomorrow that man could be laying dead on the street trying to assist my neighbor.
It's not right.
What are we going to do about it?
What do you stand for?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Shades of gray
In perspective of my last blog on being smiley, I thought about the people who have touched my life and given me insight into why I am the way I am.
I have been told, "Everything is not always black and white", "The grass is not always greener", and I understand that. BUT, for me there is only gray area for those who need it to justify their actions. Truth is black and/or white. Justice is black and/or white. Integrity is black and/or white. Life is gray. Perception is gray. Bullshit is gray.
The grass is indeed always greener - this doesn't mean you have to till the neighbors yard, but it's OK to notice the hues of green, to, in fact, want a greener grass in your own yard - to want to work harder to grow your own flowers.
I am not condoning "keeping up with the Joneses", I am simply stating there is always room for improvement or a desire for something better or different - in terms of where your path may take you. Life is simple. The sun rises and sets - grass grows...how green it gets is totally up to you.
I have been told, "Everything is not always black and white", "The grass is not always greener", and I understand that. BUT, for me there is only gray area for those who need it to justify their actions. Truth is black and/or white. Justice is black and/or white. Integrity is black and/or white. Life is gray. Perception is gray. Bullshit is gray.
The grass is indeed always greener - this doesn't mean you have to till the neighbors yard, but it's OK to notice the hues of green, to, in fact, want a greener grass in your own yard - to want to work harder to grow your own flowers.
I am not condoning "keeping up with the Joneses", I am simply stating there is always room for improvement or a desire for something better or different - in terms of where your path may take you. Life is simple. The sun rises and sets - grass grows...how green it gets is totally up to you.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
On being smiley
Over the past week, in response to my birthday, I received many wishes; many good thoughts and good energy - affirmations from all over the country, from all my friends and contacts. These affirmations were felt in my heart and soul and were cherished, as are my friends and relationships.
Today, I woke up and I looked around. I searched my room, I looked out the window, I turned the dial on the radio...searching. What was I searching for I asked myself? It hit me.
My inspiration.
I live my life to spread good energy to others. Sometimes I don’t know how I find the energy to get through my own day. Today, it occurred to me – I look for it. I ask for it; whether consciously or unconsciously, I seek it out. I actively search for the good stuff. I look to make good days happen. I listen for the secret music, the lyrics, the sounds that change lives. I look for moments to remind me I am doing the right thing. I am living right. I am staying on path that has been chosen for me.I spend the time thinking about what will make me smile before I go out into the world.
Then I got pissed. All around me everyday are complainers, those who seek out the negative. Those who can’t find anything good in the world around them or in regards to anything they are up to. It's not easy finding the positive, but it is a conscious decision.
We all get out of bed and put one foot down on the floor, followed by the other. We all breathe oxygen and need water to survive. We all crave touch. We all choose how to treat each other and how to live our lives.
I don't think about smiling everyday. I think about the consequence of not smiling. I think about how my actions affect others. I consider how negative energy is poison. I consider how my choices affect the world.
For those who think my life is so great, and that's why I am so smiley and happy - you are wrong. Because I am so smiley is why my life is great, not the other way around. As shitty as my life may get - why would I put that on the rest of the world?
Spreading love feels good, even when I don't.
And it's not easy.
It is not easy being a cheerleader for people around you who can't even cheer for themselves.
But what's harder is listening to people moan and whine because they don't know a different way to be. When I walk outside I don't look for the cracks in the cement. I don't look for the shit on my shoe. I don't smell the foul stench of desperate humanity. I choose to look for the beauty in the world, even when it's gray outside. Even if the sun does not come out that day - I remember what it looks like and treasure when I will see it again.
The sun on my face makes it all worth it. The affirmations from people I love are just a bonus.
Today, I woke up and I looked around. I searched my room, I looked out the window, I turned the dial on the radio...searching. What was I searching for I asked myself? It hit me.
My inspiration.
I live my life to spread good energy to others. Sometimes I don’t know how I find the energy to get through my own day. Today, it occurred to me – I look for it. I ask for it; whether consciously or unconsciously, I seek it out. I actively search for the good stuff. I look to make good days happen. I listen for the secret music, the lyrics, the sounds that change lives. I look for moments to remind me I am doing the right thing. I am living right. I am staying on path that has been chosen for me.I spend the time thinking about what will make me smile before I go out into the world.
Then I got pissed. All around me everyday are complainers, those who seek out the negative. Those who can’t find anything good in the world around them or in regards to anything they are up to. It's not easy finding the positive, but it is a conscious decision.
We all get out of bed and put one foot down on the floor, followed by the other. We all breathe oxygen and need water to survive. We all crave touch. We all choose how to treat each other and how to live our lives.
I don't think about smiling everyday. I think about the consequence of not smiling. I think about how my actions affect others. I consider how negative energy is poison. I consider how my choices affect the world.
For those who think my life is so great, and that's why I am so smiley and happy - you are wrong. Because I am so smiley is why my life is great, not the other way around. As shitty as my life may get - why would I put that on the rest of the world?
Spreading love feels good, even when I don't.
And it's not easy.
It is not easy being a cheerleader for people around you who can't even cheer for themselves.
But what's harder is listening to people moan and whine because they don't know a different way to be. When I walk outside I don't look for the cracks in the cement. I don't look for the shit on my shoe. I don't smell the foul stench of desperate humanity. I choose to look for the beauty in the world, even when it's gray outside. Even if the sun does not come out that day - I remember what it looks like and treasure when I will see it again.
The sun on my face makes it all worth it. The affirmations from people I love are just a bonus.
Friday, April 23, 2010
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