Tuesday, January 27, 2009

drowning?

Many people I know were writing 25 things about themselves today on facebook, currently the hot internet social site. 25 interesting things? 25 weird things? Just 25 things...simple as that.
So, as I thought about 25 things I would share with possibly the entire world, I thought about the funny things about my past, the quirky things about my personality, the awful things that would shock people but helped shape who I am as a woman today. I thought about all the heartfelt things that I feel make me a good person. Finally, I tried to come up with a compilation of all these items.
This list was a solid slice of who I am. The fact that I am a runner and I love the beach. When I'm not at the beach, I'm hitting the clubs in Vegas. I love hot, tall boys and even more than the desert, I love my sister who I have only gotten to share my life with recently. I love being a parent even though my parents weren't the most loving and sharing models for me. There were many things I came up with to describe the numerous facets of my person.
The exercise reminded me of some incidents in my past which I rarely think about.
I almost drowned when I was about 10. Literally pulled from the pool by my hair during a swim lesson (if you can believe it).
Then when I was 25, I was in a boating mishap with some friends and fell off the boat during a storm. We had all been drinking, and because I had the initial trauma at age 10 I never fully accepted the challenge of learning to swim. I knew if I went under water, in that lake, with my friends struggling to hang on to the boat themselves, during the course of this storm, I wouldn't survive. I knew it in my heart. The sailboat bucked back and forth in the harsh waves of the tumultuous lake, as it attempted to throw me from it's back like an angry horse. I struggled to hang on as I slipped across the slick surface of the tiny boat. Everyone struggled to hang on as our captain of this tiny vessel wrestled with the sail trying to get us back to shore.
It was the end of summer. The temperatures had been hot before the storm. Even if we had not been drinking alcohol all afternoon, a struggle like this would have drained anyone. The heat and the liquor combined were a deadly prescription for this water ride. But, I had the looming thought hanging over my head, reminding me that I would drown. Who would pull me out of the lake by my hair? Would I still be breathing?
As I looked at my friends, and heard them screaming, "Hang on", I slowly watched each find a nook, a rope, something to grasp. I slid to the end of the boat, which was actually the front of the boat, but it had been tossed down, so it was now sloped,heading directly into the water, and I was no longer aboard. My arm was the only remaining part of my body still on the boat and I desperately reached for anything, anyone, and as my hope turned to fear as the cold water enveloped my body, I felt a hand touch my arm. One of my friends had found a way to slide down the boat towards the water and extend a hand to me. He held on long enough for the boat to regain it's posture and pull me up. I could no longer hang on. I was so tired. My arms hurt. I was cold. I was prepared to go under. But I didn't.

Monday, January 26, 2009

"I pledge..."

Today I woke up thinking about my script and foster kids.
Most days I wake up thinking about my script and how much money I will make when I finally sell one. I used to visualize my film on the big screen. I used to visualize myself giving a heartfelt speech when I accept my "best original screenplay" award all gushy and eager - like when Ben and Matt accepted their statue for Good Will Hunting. I used to actually think my concept would look exactly on the screen like it did in my head when I put the words on paper.
Now I know better...and I have kids to feed (and put through University), so I think about the money and how many I can crank out before I die.
But before I had kids of my own I thought about all the kids out there who didn't have dreams, or their dreams consisted of food and shelter. I thought about Josephine Baker, who was also from St Louis, who moved to France, bought a castle, and scooped up as many kids as she could, bankrupting herself in the process, but for good cause. I didn't idolize many people - my Nana, and now I realize, Josephine Baker. There are very few gifts you can give back to the world. I believe many celebrities believe their gift is their talent. A small contribution to the happiness of the world. Then there are celebrities like Angelina Jolie who give and give and give - not just in dollars, but in heart. So, what do the common people feel they can pledge when we have far less in physical wealth?
I have put many of my dreams on hold for life. I have put many of my community commitments on hold for the good of my household. One of the dreams I have consistently gone back to and revisisted was my pledge to foster children. This past week, our country saw a new President introduced to the world as he accepted his responsibility proudly and with vigor. He pledged to make our world a better place and asked in return, "what do you pledge"? A slew of celebrity supporters also fell into line with their public pledges, encouraging the general masses to do the same.
I remembered the pledges I have made repeatedly and then did not follow in course of action, for whatever reason, and realized in that moment. It is time. It is time for everyone to step up and do something. My pledge is not for the future it is for now. If the smallest thing I feel I can contribute is being a great parent, and encouraging one small child (besides my own) to find a glimmer of hope and believe their dreams can come true - who am I to put that off for another day - even another minute?