This afternoon was one of those days when I felt like I had no idea where I was going. Every career opportunity seems to have fallen through the cracks. I have had the roller coaster ups and downs of relationships (friends and love interests), and I have had so many breathtaking moments I would never take it back, but just as many stifling seconds that I wonder, is this what everyone does for love and friendship?
I find when I am overwhelmed with life I talk to my Nana. I find a quiet place, and I ask what to do. What is my next step? Where is my path taking me? I say aloud (putting into the universe and hearing myself speak), “Tell me what to do.”
I wait and I wait for an answer. Today, I thought about all my options; my kids, my lifestyle, rent. I thought about how much tragedy has escaped into the atmosphere because people don’t feel they have an out – a resource – anyone who really gives a shit about what happens to them. I thought about how to let go and how to hang on.
I wondered if any of this would ever make sense.
I decided to bake a cake; a sweet pound cake with fresh strawberries. I thought, at least, I can still make something to give to my family to show them I love them. I mixed it and threw it in the oven. My thoughts were all over the place. I drove to pick up my daughter from high school. Maybe this is the beginning of my midlife crisis. I am over 40. I have a teenage daughter. I am single …again. Perhaps everyone goes through the exact same thing and it’s simply my turn.
When I pulled into the high school parking lot my sweet girl bounced to the car…because that’s who she is – I take full credit for that…and she threw her backpack in, sat down and closed the door. I backed up and held my tongue before I said anything. I always try to think about what I say aloud and what I keep to myself, especially when I’m in a mood. Before we even left the parking lot, she looked at me and said, “You’re doing a great job mom.” I immediately asked what she wanted because generally speaking, the grease comes before the rub. She said, “Nothing, I just wanted you to know I am not ungrateful and you do a good job.” I responded, “A good job picking you up from school and driving you around?” She said, “yes, and keeping a roof over our heads and feeding us. You are a good mom.”
I burst into tears, and she laughed, and I realized once again – she is my daughter. Every time I make her smile or laugh makes me happy. It’s like a drug. Even when she’s laughing at me, it is the best feeling in the world. My teenage daughter thinks I’m a good mom. I thought my life sucked…and it couldn’t be better.
And I burned the cake. When we walked in the door I saw the smoke. I thought I could juggle a bit too much as usual), and as I pulled it out of the oven, and all the smoke wafted up to the ceiling I was bummed, for a second. Then I cut into it and the inside was soft and good and the strawberries were perfectly sweet. Again, even when the outside looks like shit – the inside couldn’t be sweeter.
I find when I am overwhelmed with life I talk to my Nana. I find a quiet place, and I ask what to do. What is my next step? Where is my path taking me? I say aloud (putting into the universe and hearing myself speak), “Tell me what to do.”
I wait and I wait for an answer. Today, I thought about all my options; my kids, my lifestyle, rent. I thought about how much tragedy has escaped into the atmosphere because people don’t feel they have an out – a resource – anyone who really gives a shit about what happens to them. I thought about how to let go and how to hang on.
I wondered if any of this would ever make sense.
I decided to bake a cake; a sweet pound cake with fresh strawberries. I thought, at least, I can still make something to give to my family to show them I love them. I mixed it and threw it in the oven. My thoughts were all over the place. I drove to pick up my daughter from high school. Maybe this is the beginning of my midlife crisis. I am over 40. I have a teenage daughter. I am single …again. Perhaps everyone goes through the exact same thing and it’s simply my turn.
When I pulled into the high school parking lot my sweet girl bounced to the car…because that’s who she is – I take full credit for that…and she threw her backpack in, sat down and closed the door. I backed up and held my tongue before I said anything. I always try to think about what I say aloud and what I keep to myself, especially when I’m in a mood. Before we even left the parking lot, she looked at me and said, “You’re doing a great job mom.” I immediately asked what she wanted because generally speaking, the grease comes before the rub. She said, “Nothing, I just wanted you to know I am not ungrateful and you do a good job.” I responded, “A good job picking you up from school and driving you around?” She said, “yes, and keeping a roof over our heads and feeding us. You are a good mom.”
I burst into tears, and she laughed, and I realized once again – she is my daughter. Every time I make her smile or laugh makes me happy. It’s like a drug. Even when she’s laughing at me, it is the best feeling in the world. My teenage daughter thinks I’m a good mom. I thought my life sucked…and it couldn’t be better.
And I burned the cake. When we walked in the door I saw the smoke. I thought I could juggle a bit too much as usual), and as I pulled it out of the oven, and all the smoke wafted up to the ceiling I was bummed, for a second. Then I cut into it and the inside was soft and good and the strawberries were perfectly sweet. Again, even when the outside looks like shit – the inside couldn’t be sweeter.
Thank you!
ReplyDeleteIt's funny because even at worst I look at my kids and say "life is not bad". I have healthy, great kids and the world around me could be burning down and I have been blessed, even if it doesn't look like I would like it to look :)