In the past week I have read three different articles which spoke to me directly. All three articles deal with relationships, how each person in the relationship perceives what is happening to them, and the tragedy of how men and women cannot (DO not) communicate rationally and honestly about what they need. Emotionally, each article defines how emotions change our rationale and ability to look at the big picture. How we as human beings, instead of challenging ourselves to look honesty inward first, decidedly define actions as attacks on us based on our history and perception instead of the truth of what the person's intent is.
If someone kicks a dog, the action is the kick, the target is the dog. This action is not defined by why we think the person kicked the dog, what that person needs in life, the fault of the dog, or any other extraneous events which led to the action.
If someone treats you in a way you do not desire to be treated, no excuse for the behavior needs to be extrapolated from the event. It simply is what it is and you decide whether or not you want to live with someone who acts that way. If you don't mind dog kickers then stay with him. But your perception and desire to coach a dog kicker is simply a waste of time if you believe it will impact or change your personal relationship with this person.
Now when the dog bites the kicker, there is a new catalyst for discussion and excusing the behavior of the dog.
It is all a vicious cycle.
How we react is as powerful as every initial action.
Mary Kennedy
The first article I read - a heartbreaking story of dysfunction, battery and a cycle which finally ended in suicide. Whether or not Mary Kennedy suffered from borderline personality disorder was not determined by a professional, but her alcoholism, and documented abuse of her family stands to show how a dysfunctional family can continue to spiral downward until one leaves or dies.
This article speaks on insecurities, addiction and depression and how couples, in sometimes trying to help, fuel these issues by not addressing them and demanding their partner take action in dealing with the problems. This defines couples who lean on each others similarities in addiction and personality issues to avoid dealing with their individual issues - they use each other as a crutch.
Both parties blamed each other, while in fact both parties acted as individuals not as part of a couple. Both are equally to blame. Both had the opportunity to address their personal problems and work together as a couple, or decide what did not work as a couple.
Neither of them had the emotional maturity to address their addictions, their insecurities and become healthy enough to be in a relationship at all, much less with a mirror image.
Ask E. Jean
This column in ELLE magazine addresses a question from a woman who feels she has met the perfect guy in all aspects except his level of intellect, as determined by herself.
Miss E. breaks it down:
If this guy is everything you want in a man and you are questioning how smart he is, maybe he isn't the one that isn't so smart. She offers a guideline of "Rules for picking a smart boyfriend":
"Gorgeous is better than ugly...
kind is better than raging asshole...
amazing father material...better than penchant for screwing teenagers
likes life is better than liking books
makes you laugh better than makes you cry
balanced ego is better than huge ego
mindblowing sex...always better" (courtesy elle magazine/July 2012/ Ask E Jean p.156)
Sometimes we have to put it down on paper to see how black and white it is.
The final article was a magazine article on how this woman's ex-boyfriend sued her after their breakup. She ignored her first instinct, which was not to go out with this guy in the first place, dated this guy for a few months and at the peak of the horror of their relationship, spent a vacation in India arguing with man, ruining not only their vacation, but reinforcing why she knew they could not be together.
When she returned to the states, and the safety of her home, she was hit with a civil suit demanding over $900 in expenses for this vacation which they took together. She realized that this guy did not want the money, but wanted to punish her for dumping him, and after speaking to the court, found out she could just pay him the damages or ask for a retrial where she could respond to the suit.
It occurred to her this was one more way to manipulate her into seeing him and talking to him about what happened, which she refused to re-live, so she simply wrote him a check.
The interesting points of this article were how her perceptions of him prior to this trip were exasperated over and over as every insecurity reared its ugly head as they traveled. People who are quick to point out your flaws in every dispute don't have a valid argument, so they bully in order to get you to back down.
I have been in similar situations where a trip has been ruined because my travel companion was intent on controlling every situation and putting me down, throwing tantrums in fact, when basic communication could have been the simple resolution. What do you need? Why does that bother you? What is the real issue here?
As a result of these three articles I have pulled together a personal guide which I shall use to remind myself of who I am, what I stand for, and because I deserve no less:
I have decided when I am kicked, I shall not bite in retribution, I
shall limp away, chalk it up to a jackass with no self control and heal
myself so I may walk taller(and stronger) the next day. I choose not to
continue cycles of dysfunction. I choose to take charge of my destiny,
no one else's. I choose to heal myself, and let others do the same.
I have decided, I have a list of "rules for picking a companion" and I will stick to it. No exceptions. I am not too picky. I am reasonable and smart, choose love and peace, and deserve the same in companionship and any relationship. Every qualification I desire, I give, and it is NOT too much to ask to receive the same.
I have decided that walking away is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it is the best thing. The only "time lost/wasted" is that which I unduly impose on myself when I refused to walk away initially only delaying the inevitable. Sometimes cutting losses is far cheaper than the emotional cost of self.
I have decided I am fabulous and deserve someone who not only sees that, but agrees with me and wants to nurture that...the great parts.
No comments:
Post a Comment