This may be something I have covered before but is super important.
I have been in so many situations lately where I am confused, or agitated, or realize my thought process is off balance with the world around me... and it all comes down to Red Flags and Intent.
I recently explained to a friend that I was looking for specific things in a relationship. I was very clear about my requirements for fidelity, honesty, and monogamy. I also shared feelings that I had regarding being in a relationship in the past where I was made to feel like I was a secret. Come to find out, this past relationship was maintaining another relationship at the same time, which clarified all the feelings I had at the time.
There were specific details of this past relationship that I explained in order to clarify the things that contributed to my current list of things that make me go "hmmm". Likely red flags that would end any possibility of any relationship based not only on my history with these types of actions, but the intent behind them as well.
When a man tells you that he does not add women he is dating to a public media forum and then you find out, that is because his other girlfriend(s) is/are in this forum.
OR
A man asks you not to share photographs of you two together, for whatever reason.
OR
Cell phone secrecy...ie. going into the bathroom to return phone calls or texts.
I actually kicked open the door of a men's restroom in a bar once because I knew my date who had been glancing at his phone all night had finally gone into the restroom to return texts. The look on his face as I kicked the door open and found him standing directly in front of the urinal, with his phone in his hand, doing exactly what I knew he was doing....priceless. Half the bar got a giggle.
These few things are simple examples which proved to be masks for shady behaviors. I have a sixth sense for human nature. I can not explain it. But, whether anxiety, or stress, or nervousness - men (mankind) change their behaviors when they are up to something. Sometimes it can be a good surprise - a surprise birthday dinner, a super duper present they have been hiding, or even a proposal. But, more often than not, it's simply hiding the obvious. The good surprises eventually unveil themselves...the obvious, but not so good, never uncover themselves, they are usually revealed by someone else.
This is where intent comes into the picture. The purposefulness of the secrets. Regardless if one thinks they are doing someone a favor by "not hurting their feelings" someone else's feelings are bound to get hurt. I have never been able to stress the importance of honesty to anyone I have ever dated.
You aren't sparing my feelings by hiding that you like to spend time with someone else.
I would prefer you save me my from wasting my time on someone who isn't sure what they want. Then it is my choice.
My choice to continue to date openly - perhaps I want to date five men simultaneously. That should be my choice, not bound to someone who commits to monogamy...but only for me.
My choice to decide to sleep with someone who is likely sleeping with (or trying to sleep with) other women.
My choice to find someone who is more like minded.
My choice to not buy bullshit.
Funny enough, the friend I was having this discussion with, couldn't understand why I was so sure that these red flags meant the same thing for every man. To which I respond:
The whole is greater than the sum of it's parts...
it is not one individual item or red flag so to speak, but the teamwork of all the flags which make a scenario.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Monday, October 12, 2009
Competition and Men's Luck
If you have seen the Chris Rock standup routine where he talks about men being pet projects of women and how other women aren't even thinking of looking twice at some men until their new woman cleaned them up, gave them a tic tac and basically "trained them" - now these men are getting random booty calls mid-week asking for "freaky-stuff".
Chris Rock has a way of bringing the funny to the table, no matter what the situation. The reality of this schtick is the true competitive nature of women. Men seem to be under the impression that if they smile and swagger, women will drop at their feet. Well, some women, yes. What I have learned (as a wingman for most of my male friends) is that men who are surrounded by beautiful women pull more beautiful women. There is a competitive instinct amongst women that rivals that of most men.
Where does this desire to win man's affection come from? Is it instinctual? Is it hormonal?
Or is it not as much about competition as it is about pheramones? Men who have a woman in their life tend to put off a sexier air. Their confidence is higher. They are more secure. Perhaps these things are more appealing to women, and lead
Is it as simple as caveman days, updated by the power struggle women have had to gain what we perceive as a society as strength. My cave needs to be bigger, I need to win the stronger of the species to procreate and make a master race. Is it simply a Darwinistic approach to social structure which is as obvious as the need to breathe oxygen and drink water?
This is an ongoing discussion that will be updated sporadically as more info and commentary are submitted...
Chris Rock has a way of bringing the funny to the table, no matter what the situation. The reality of this schtick is the true competitive nature of women. Men seem to be under the impression that if they smile and swagger, women will drop at their feet. Well, some women, yes. What I have learned (as a wingman for most of my male friends) is that men who are surrounded by beautiful women pull more beautiful women. There is a competitive instinct amongst women that rivals that of most men.
Where does this desire to win man's affection come from? Is it instinctual? Is it hormonal?
Or is it not as much about competition as it is about pheramones? Men who have a woman in their life tend to put off a sexier air. Their confidence is higher. They are more secure. Perhaps these things are more appealing to women, and lead
Is it as simple as caveman days, updated by the power struggle women have had to gain what we perceive as a society as strength. My cave needs to be bigger, I need to win the stronger of the species to procreate and make a master race. Is it simply a Darwinistic approach to social structure which is as obvious as the need to breathe oxygen and drink water?
This is an ongoing discussion that will be updated sporadically as more info and commentary are submitted...
Saturday, September 12, 2009
10 Signs He's Not Good Enough For You
After reading this article (Thanks Larry), I had some tips of my own to share~
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-signs-youre-too-good-for-her_1.html
courtesy askmen.com
The preceding article was funny enough and I'm sure very useful to men who haven't grasped the concept that they deserve someone cool and funny, as well as good looking and whatever other traits they so desire. But, as I read it, I was inclined to think women have the same issues if not moreso defined by the fact that this is not the 50's anymore. Perhaps there is an abundance of women's mags that tell us how to catch the right man, how to be amazing in bed, and how to do all the right things to be appealing. Yet, I hardly ever read an article that says once you've caught this great guy, what that means, and even more important, how you know when to throw it back.
For women, the subtext of most of these articles is, "just be happy you have a man".
Booooo!
"Here are all the right things to do to capture this elusive, fantastic creature".
Booooooo!
How about, what that fool needs to do to catch and KEEP you!
My girlfriends are fabulous women. They are Doctors and Lawyers, and Renaissance Women, Rockin' the Free world. ANY man lucky enough to date one of my friends should count his lucky stars. So, as I read this piece on askmen.com I had to say to myself, Men who are still dating these mindless, blowupdolls; albeit gorgeous, deserve what they end up with because they are simple enough to think that was appealing or engaging in the first place. In response to the askmen.com article:
For my girlfriends out there who are wondering...
Here are 10 Signs He is NOT Good enough for YOU Baby!
10. You find yourself staring into a blank look as you tell him about your life.
It doesn't matter what you are talking about, he just can't listen. You have to repeat yourself over and over again. You find yourself telling the same story 3 sentences after someone else tells it because somehow he missed it. He is always confused about what you're doing and where you're going and swears you never told him.
9. He wants you to have a threesome.
Enough said.
8. Your friends do not like him.
This seems to be a standard for both sexes. If your friends don't like your man, you need to reconsider seriously why you like him. You picked your friends. You've had them for years. You trust them...so trust their judgement.
7. You find you have become a professional ego stroker.
No matter what he's up to in life (or not up to) you are required to make him feel like he's the most awesome at it. "Baby, I didn't know burping could be so girthy. You are the best internal air excretionist ever." Really? Men that are doing great things in life, know it, and don't need you to tell them. This is why they are successful in life. It's called "self-motivation".
6. He always expects you to go "Halfsies".
Call me old fashioned but men need to pay for the 1st date. Period. How you construct your relationship needs after that, based on income, need, lifestyle... whatever, is up to you, But know that whatever you give up in the beginning will set the pace for the rest of your relationship. If you "show him the money" and he takes it, this is what he will expect for the remainder of your time together. And it will get old.
5. He always seems surprised that you've been somewhere or know how to do anything.
He travels for work, but seems shocked that you rented a boat in Italy and sailed around Europe for an entire summer after college. The fact that you speak 3 languages amazes him. Your car beaks down and as you retell the story of how you changed the tire, he asks, "Don't you have AAA?" These men have a low intelligence capacity and even lower concept of what women these days are up to.
4. His mom still does his laundry.
Unless you are 19 and live in a dorm, this is unacceptable.
3. He is jealous.
This is a sign of immaturity, and unless you have done something directly to make him distrust you, this is a passive aggressive sign that he is unable of coping with a mature women who has an active lifestyle. Now if all your friends are men... and they sleep over sometimes... and you drink to blackout stage... and can't tell your new man what you did last night - you are the exception.
2. He has Baby Mama Drama.
If your new man has even one woman in his past that he has a child with, and they cannot have a civil conversation together, this is a huge red flag. As crazy as he says she is, he picked her. Not only did he pick her, but he slept with her..OH, and they had a baby together. Not the best judgement here. Pass.
If he has more than one Baby Mama, and they are all "crazy", RUN.
1. His best asset is the size of his shoe (if ya' know what I mean).
If the only reason you keep going back is because you love the sound of your own voice screaming at the top of your lungs, perhaps you should look into voice lessons. Hot sex does not make a relationship. No matter how you look at it.
http://www.askmen.com/top_10/dating/top-10-signs-youre-too-good-for-her_1.html
courtesy askmen.com
The preceding article was funny enough and I'm sure very useful to men who haven't grasped the concept that they deserve someone cool and funny, as well as good looking and whatever other traits they so desire. But, as I read it, I was inclined to think women have the same issues if not moreso defined by the fact that this is not the 50's anymore. Perhaps there is an abundance of women's mags that tell us how to catch the right man, how to be amazing in bed, and how to do all the right things to be appealing. Yet, I hardly ever read an article that says once you've caught this great guy, what that means, and even more important, how you know when to throw it back.
For women, the subtext of most of these articles is, "just be happy you have a man".
Booooo!
"Here are all the right things to do to capture this elusive, fantastic creature".
Booooooo!
How about, what that fool needs to do to catch and KEEP you!
My girlfriends are fabulous women. They are Doctors and Lawyers, and Renaissance Women, Rockin' the Free world. ANY man lucky enough to date one of my friends should count his lucky stars. So, as I read this piece on askmen.com I had to say to myself, Men who are still dating these mindless, blowupdolls; albeit gorgeous, deserve what they end up with because they are simple enough to think that was appealing or engaging in the first place. In response to the askmen.com article:
For my girlfriends out there who are wondering...
Here are 10 Signs He is NOT Good enough for YOU Baby!
10. You find yourself staring into a blank look as you tell him about your life.
It doesn't matter what you are talking about, he just can't listen. You have to repeat yourself over and over again. You find yourself telling the same story 3 sentences after someone else tells it because somehow he missed it. He is always confused about what you're doing and where you're going and swears you never told him.
9. He wants you to have a threesome.
Enough said.
8. Your friends do not like him.
This seems to be a standard for both sexes. If your friends don't like your man, you need to reconsider seriously why you like him. You picked your friends. You've had them for years. You trust them...so trust their judgement.
7. You find you have become a professional ego stroker.
No matter what he's up to in life (or not up to) you are required to make him feel like he's the most awesome at it. "Baby, I didn't know burping could be so girthy. You are the best internal air excretionist ever." Really? Men that are doing great things in life, know it, and don't need you to tell them. This is why they are successful in life. It's called "self-motivation".
6. He always expects you to go "Halfsies".
Call me old fashioned but men need to pay for the 1st date. Period. How you construct your relationship needs after that, based on income, need, lifestyle... whatever, is up to you, But know that whatever you give up in the beginning will set the pace for the rest of your relationship. If you "show him the money" and he takes it, this is what he will expect for the remainder of your time together. And it will get old.
5. He always seems surprised that you've been somewhere or know how to do anything.
He travels for work, but seems shocked that you rented a boat in Italy and sailed around Europe for an entire summer after college. The fact that you speak 3 languages amazes him. Your car beaks down and as you retell the story of how you changed the tire, he asks, "Don't you have AAA?" These men have a low intelligence capacity and even lower concept of what women these days are up to.
4. His mom still does his laundry.
Unless you are 19 and live in a dorm, this is unacceptable.
3. He is jealous.
This is a sign of immaturity, and unless you have done something directly to make him distrust you, this is a passive aggressive sign that he is unable of coping with a mature women who has an active lifestyle. Now if all your friends are men... and they sleep over sometimes... and you drink to blackout stage... and can't tell your new man what you did last night - you are the exception.
2. He has Baby Mama Drama.
If your new man has even one woman in his past that he has a child with, and they cannot have a civil conversation together, this is a huge red flag. As crazy as he says she is, he picked her. Not only did he pick her, but he slept with her..OH, and they had a baby together. Not the best judgement here. Pass.
If he has more than one Baby Mama, and they are all "crazy", RUN.
1. His best asset is the size of his shoe (if ya' know what I mean).
If the only reason you keep going back is because you love the sound of your own voice screaming at the top of your lungs, perhaps you should look into voice lessons. Hot sex does not make a relationship. No matter how you look at it.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The give and take, the unknown and the known, the hot and cold, the rise and fall of relationship
I am working on a new book. It is a subjective analysis of dating and relationships from the point of view of 4 different women. Four novellas. Completely separate, yet all connected.
Today as I research each woman and outline characters, I am building relationships with each one. This is always the fun part for me because it is a very emotional connection I have with each character in order to make them believeable. One of the characters gets on my nerves already. She is a typical girl, "why doesn't he love me anymore...what did I do"? I'd love to have interaction with one of my stronger characters, to relay the message, "He has just given you the opportunity to be loved by someone who gives a shit".
I realize in this project, I have a Sybil type commentary going on, and if I could weave that into the storyline, I think I will have overcome my biggest obstacle; getting my point across without making my chracters too typical.
For myself, I spent the same amount of time as most women after a failed relationship wondering, what I could have done differently, or why I was no longer interesting. Until, I heard the same commentary over and over again from every woman I know. This commonality of hurt after some guy is just done.
He moves on to the next best thing, and women wonder what they did.
As an adult, I have about 5 minutes for that conversation, whether in my own head or out of someone else's mouth. When a guy goes from calling 5 times a day, to calling once a week, I don't ask myself, "why"? I know men are built that way. The same things that attract us are the same things that push us away. Men have short attention spans.
It is challenging to write for both types of characters as my kneejerk reaction is to run. Some of these characters(well most) don't do that, they wait, and they ponder and they question everything about themselves until their self-esteems are whittled away to nothing.
I am having trouble with this character, so I'm going to try to make it fun. Kind of an opposites game. If Summer would change her number and meet 10 new men this week, what would Autumn do? If Summer would throw a divorce party in Bali, what would Autumn do?
If Summer would move to Australia for the summer determined to find the fling of her career, what would Autumn do?
OK, I'm on a roll now.
Today as I research each woman and outline characters, I am building relationships with each one. This is always the fun part for me because it is a very emotional connection I have with each character in order to make them believeable. One of the characters gets on my nerves already. She is a typical girl, "why doesn't he love me anymore...what did I do"? I'd love to have interaction with one of my stronger characters, to relay the message, "He has just given you the opportunity to be loved by someone who gives a shit".
I realize in this project, I have a Sybil type commentary going on, and if I could weave that into the storyline, I think I will have overcome my biggest obstacle; getting my point across without making my chracters too typical.
For myself, I spent the same amount of time as most women after a failed relationship wondering, what I could have done differently, or why I was no longer interesting. Until, I heard the same commentary over and over again from every woman I know. This commonality of hurt after some guy is just done.
He moves on to the next best thing, and women wonder what they did.
As an adult, I have about 5 minutes for that conversation, whether in my own head or out of someone else's mouth. When a guy goes from calling 5 times a day, to calling once a week, I don't ask myself, "why"? I know men are built that way. The same things that attract us are the same things that push us away. Men have short attention spans.
It is challenging to write for both types of characters as my kneejerk reaction is to run. Some of these characters(well most) don't do that, they wait, and they ponder and they question everything about themselves until their self-esteems are whittled away to nothing.
I am having trouble with this character, so I'm going to try to make it fun. Kind of an opposites game. If Summer would change her number and meet 10 new men this week, what would Autumn do? If Summer would throw a divorce party in Bali, what would Autumn do?
If Summer would move to Australia for the summer determined to find the fling of her career, what would Autumn do?
OK, I'm on a roll now.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Chivalry
Chivalry is not dead, it's just not required anymore.
This statement by Steve Harvey, comedian, now apparently relationship expert. As much as I agree with this statement, it occured to me, what makes him an expert, and worthy of a spot on Oprah? He wrote a book.
And....
There were a lot of nuggets of information, but nothing that hasn't been said before. He is funny. I give him that. He is married and successful at it. I give him that. But, what does this change?
They talked about having a list. I have a list.
Steve talked about real men - I know about real men, I ranted on this topic last week. Did he say where to find any real men? Did he even acknowledge that they aren't unicorns?
Dating has become like shopping to me. I've done it before. I hate the mall. Catalogs don't always give you the right size or color. It's expensive. So, I don't do it if I don't have to.
To think that every time I go to the mall, I can't find parking, I'm surrounded by pretentious, self absorbed, shop-aholics, I can rarely (if ever) find what I'm looking for, and the mall is usually closing soon, no matter what time I arrive.
At least with dating there is usually food involved.
Snacks tend to make things better.
Back to chivalry - Steve Harvey said some of the same things that I said, we don't require that men treat us with respect, as a generation. I don't know when this happened, but the whole concept of "hanging out" has ruined dating for women who respect themselves. When did we let men off the hook? Stop requiring a man to ask us politely what we need, or want?
Pulling out a chair or opening a door isn't like asking to get married - it's just common courtesy.
When did we stop requiring common courtesy's of each other?
This statement by Steve Harvey, comedian, now apparently relationship expert. As much as I agree with this statement, it occured to me, what makes him an expert, and worthy of a spot on Oprah? He wrote a book.
And....
There were a lot of nuggets of information, but nothing that hasn't been said before. He is funny. I give him that. He is married and successful at it. I give him that. But, what does this change?
They talked about having a list. I have a list.
Steve talked about real men - I know about real men, I ranted on this topic last week. Did he say where to find any real men? Did he even acknowledge that they aren't unicorns?
Dating has become like shopping to me. I've done it before. I hate the mall. Catalogs don't always give you the right size or color. It's expensive. So, I don't do it if I don't have to.
To think that every time I go to the mall, I can't find parking, I'm surrounded by pretentious, self absorbed, shop-aholics, I can rarely (if ever) find what I'm looking for, and the mall is usually closing soon, no matter what time I arrive.
At least with dating there is usually food involved.
Snacks tend to make things better.
Back to chivalry - Steve Harvey said some of the same things that I said, we don't require that men treat us with respect, as a generation. I don't know when this happened, but the whole concept of "hanging out" has ruined dating for women who respect themselves. When did we let men off the hook? Stop requiring a man to ask us politely what we need, or want?
Pulling out a chair or opening a door isn't like asking to get married - it's just common courtesy.
When did we stop requiring common courtesy's of each other?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The downfall of dating in our modern society
Today over lunch the topic of dating - men vs boys, came up and spun our table into a discussion of basic home training...or "I guess yo mama didn't teach you any better than that".
We have seen the breakdown of societal manners increase over the past twenty years. Men no longer hold doors, and lay their coats on the street so women don't get splashed. This actually encouraged by all the "equal rights for women", who then wonder why they can't get a date. Hmmmm. But, these small acts of courtesy are just the tip of the iceberg.
Young guys want to split the tab. They want you to buy them beers. They want to "hang out".
Let me break it down.
I do not hang out with men I want to date.
I do not go on dates with "dudes" who can't pick up a phone and ask me out. I don't date guys that "meow" at me.
And if we are "hanging out", don't try to get in my pants, because I don't have sex with dudes I'm hanging out with. Wanna treat me like your buddy. You got it. Are you fucking your buddies? Didn't think so. Grow up dumbasses!
Women - stop tolerating this behavior.
If the guy you like can't ask you out - guess what?
If the guy you want to spend time with only has time for his buddies - guess what?
If a guy you used to hook up with calls you a year later and says "can I come over" - say "for what - where have you been the last 365 days - oh with your girlfriend you failed to mention."
Guess what?
If the guy you like only calls you after the bar - guess fucking what?
Next time your phone vibrates because some douche is texting you at 1a - text back "Not interested". 'Cause are you really? Interested in being used...again? Say it outloud. Sack up girlfriend. You don't have to be nice to someone that has no respect for you.
I see young boys texting my teen daughter "what's up". What does this mean? Do you wish to have a conversation with my daughter, but are too lazy and too trifling to pick up a phone and actually dial the 10 digits. Perhaps, you are too uninteresting and unintelligent to speak on any topic outside of "what's up". Regardless, when the day comes that you decide to drive a car and pull up to my house - if you don't get out and come inside and respectfully ask permission to take my daughter out on a date - you will NEVER have the privilege of her company. Don't text from the car. Don't honk. Don't think about treating my daughter with any less respect than the beautiful, young lady she is, or you are asking to get embarrased on my front lawn.
I'm tired of double standards - and for you women who keep allowing this behavior to continue - you're getting what you ask for. Don't you deserve better? I do. My daughter does.
Stop tolerating bullshit and it will cease to exist.
We have seen the breakdown of societal manners increase over the past twenty years. Men no longer hold doors, and lay their coats on the street so women don't get splashed. This actually encouraged by all the "equal rights for women", who then wonder why they can't get a date. Hmmmm. But, these small acts of courtesy are just the tip of the iceberg.
Young guys want to split the tab. They want you to buy them beers. They want to "hang out".
Let me break it down.
I do not hang out with men I want to date.
I do not go on dates with "dudes" who can't pick up a phone and ask me out. I don't date guys that "meow" at me.
And if we are "hanging out", don't try to get in my pants, because I don't have sex with dudes I'm hanging out with. Wanna treat me like your buddy. You got it. Are you fucking your buddies? Didn't think so. Grow up dumbasses!
Women - stop tolerating this behavior.
If the guy you like can't ask you out - guess what?
If the guy you want to spend time with only has time for his buddies - guess what?
If a guy you used to hook up with calls you a year later and says "can I come over" - say "for what - where have you been the last 365 days - oh with your girlfriend you failed to mention."
Guess what?
If the guy you like only calls you after the bar - guess fucking what?
Next time your phone vibrates because some douche is texting you at 1a - text back "Not interested". 'Cause are you really? Interested in being used...again? Say it outloud. Sack up girlfriend. You don't have to be nice to someone that has no respect for you.
I see young boys texting my teen daughter "what's up". What does this mean? Do you wish to have a conversation with my daughter, but are too lazy and too trifling to pick up a phone and actually dial the 10 digits. Perhaps, you are too uninteresting and unintelligent to speak on any topic outside of "what's up". Regardless, when the day comes that you decide to drive a car and pull up to my house - if you don't get out and come inside and respectfully ask permission to take my daughter out on a date - you will NEVER have the privilege of her company. Don't text from the car. Don't honk. Don't think about treating my daughter with any less respect than the beautiful, young lady she is, or you are asking to get embarrased on my front lawn.
I'm tired of double standards - and for you women who keep allowing this behavior to continue - you're getting what you ask for. Don't you deserve better? I do. My daughter does.
Stop tolerating bullshit and it will cease to exist.
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