Halloween Memo

I must have missed the memo that leveled the playing field with halloween as a major decorating holiday. I have lived in this country 39 years and I participated in the candy bagging ceremony as all my dearest friends have for the last 35 of those years. If I wasn't dressed up as Archie or Veronica, or some princess. I was dressing my kids up as such. Then there were those ten years when I was in high school and college, and briefly thereafter when I dressed as a slut and called it whatever the theme was that year for twenty somethings.

It should be called Ho-Loween. Any excuse to take your clothes off, show some t & a and pretend you don't want to dress like this all year round. This is the one day of the year "good girls" get to dress like a whore and no one calls them on it.

But today's topic is more geared towards the fact that I have been driving through my neighborhood for the past month with more and more crazy halloween decorations taking over the hood. Pumpkins have turned into coaches. Inflatable Skeletans are riding harley's on lawns. Ghosts are hanging from trees with accessories. Witches have flown into trees, doors and windows everywhere I look. Where are the Denver police when you need them? These bitches are obviously drunk.

The amount of lighting and designing yards which now goes into the candy holiday have taken on new meaning. Do these people even have kids? Are they competitive holiday decorators? Are they long lost cousins of the witch from Hansel and Gretal - just luring the small children toward the oven? "Stay away from the gingerbread mansion children"!

Some serious effort goes into preparing for this type of event. And tomorrow will these items come down only to be replaced with a turkey, a full table of Indians and Pilgrims and a sacrifice to follow, led by the inflatable character of Christopher Columbus himself? Then immediately following the pillage of natives, the pop-up Nativity scene with J.C. and Mary leading Santa through the North Pole all riding reindeer bareback.

I'm just waiting to be charged a fee by the HOA for the air taken up by the characters. Or the next law which states any lawns which become fertilized, accidentally or otherwise, by the leaves which fall within the borders designated by the state of colorado and the city of denver shall not pose obstruction to the animals, designated owned or wild which live within the confines of the jurisdiction of the neighborhood or a maximum of 6-12 months of confinement will be required mandatory.