Melting down

I have had a pretty interesting weekend. Lots of ups and downs - generally the normal roller coaster of life. I got to see the effect of balance in full effect.
I have numerous questions floating around in my head. Work related, life choices, relationship stuff - the normal day to day, year to year stuff that keeps us growing and living. What I noticed this week, was an intolerance for my "me time" - my thinking, percolating time so to speak.
We are so conditioned to react to one another, sometimes we just can't BE.
Change is good.
Life is an ever changing module.
We are creative interesting beings that have so much to give back. Yet we spend inordinate amounts of time worrying about random shit. I am guilty of this too. I have wasted hours, days even worrying about things I have no control over. I have tried to focus on relativity to production value, and usually that works. Emotionally, I think it's difficult to focus on pushing past feelings.

I have been overwhelmed with my own shit and even in the midst of my biggest meltdown, I try not to engage other people. This is how I function. I like to think maturity is part of my growth process. It's difficult. It doesn't feel good. But, it strengthens the soul. I tried to put myself in other people's shoes to try and understand how we get so far away from being selfless, and the love we are supposed to share with one another - how do we become so desperate to cling to "stuff" to prove a point. I have been called a martyr in past relationships because I would rather just accept responsibility and let it (an issue) go. Do we need to be right all the time?

My horoscope today read "It's the right day for any power struggles-- you're clear-headed and there is no way that you can lose a fight! Just make sure while you're busy fighting for what you want, you aren't losing focus on the more important things around you. Other people, not power, should be your top priority right now. So only get into it if you have to -- as skilled as you are besting the competition. At heart you're a lover, not a fighter!"

Yes, I am, my friends, yes I am.

My sister reminded me last night that "other people" often are the cause of drama, and self-preservation should be the task at hand. I reminded her that we have been expert self-preservationists our entire lives. I am clear headed today, and the 1st thing I realized was I hate fighting. If it's that important to you - do it. What is there to fight about? Life is short...how did I overlook this the last few weeks? My life is precious. My time is valuable. And you are lucky ;) so lucky.
I woke up with strange energy, cleaned my house...I should say began to "clean house". I feel empowered and rejuvenated.

I am in flux in relationship.
I am trying to change who I am in my day to day to accomodate my new growth spurt.
I also just want to be happy. I want my friends and lover to be happy. As a parent, I believe you learn how to give up your own happiness for others sometimes at the concept of the greater good. I will struggle for as long as it takes if my kids have a better life. I will end a relationship if I see a more wonderful future for someone without me. It isn't about being a martyr, it's about sharing love. And it's hard.
Love is a brilliant tool, and hard to come by, and usually it's when you witness a melt down right before your eyes that you have the opportunity to give all your love selflessly to see a better world. Yes, I want to be happy. Yes, I want to see my friends and family happy. Yes, I want to grow. My choices don't make who I am; they indicate the paths I have chosen, and the growth I have had, and the potential I have coming.