"I won't let you down... please don't give in, I won't let you down"

Thank you to Adam Lambert for putting it into words.

What Do You Want From Me

The hardest words to hear from someone you love. An uncontaminated inner voice.
The words you need to feel.
Pure honesty.
Not from the heart, from the desperation of knowing their heart is not capable of anything deeper.
My father told me once, "Don't call me Dad, call me Cyril" - that was his name.
His most sincere statement to me.
To the face, and soul, of a seven year old little girl.
And I heard him...I am not capable of being a father to you.

I am very hard on myself, most of us are. Women especially. We try to please everyone. We want to nurture. We live to love. As much as we crave honesty, we desire people to want us. To accept, and to love us. I have been conflicted - told someone I just wanted the truth, when I wanted to hear something else. Part of me wanted to be loved and told everything would be alright... that all my fears were unwarranted. When part of me wanted that moment of raw, spot on clarity that you can never take back. The words from another person that you love, that allow you to walk away and never look back. Words that let you stand up and be a woman. Even when you're seven years old. Once, I wanted that moment back.

I had a second moment of clarity this week. A friend who wanted to get to know me better - "spend more time together", asked me if I was even interested in him. Initially, I responded in the nice, "proper" way to respond. The way that lets everyone's feelings stay in tact and allows us all the privilege of being called civilized. I got called out.
I thought about the entire transaction.
Granted, I never want to hurt anyone's feelings, but it's not even that big a deal. I meet hundreds of people everyday. Do I care what they think of me?
No.
Saying No, is part of my job. "No, you cannot change your flight for free." "No, you cannot have my phone number."
To me it is a conscious choice whether I do or do not take action to further any friendship/ relationship? A conscious voice to acknowledge that inner knowledge that someone has feelings for you that you do not reciprocate.

I realized I was doing the same thing I had despised so much in past relationships, when lovers had not been honest with me. Although, not on such deep terms, nor in the same context, why wait so long? Why let relationships move in a direction you are not committed to and then have to hit that deep note of unadulterated honesty because you just cannot stand one more second of even half commitment? I was being my own worst nightmare.
So, I simply stated, "You are right".
When someone tells you, "If you were interested in me, I wouldn't be sitting here wondering if you were interested in me", they are right. Absolutely, fucking right. And credit is deserved.

In my past relationships, I hated that feeling of knowing my gut instinct was right. I had to acknowledge all the collateral damage that went along with it. When, it all could have been avoided in a split moment, like my father took, 35 years ago, and I never had to think about it again.
Up front.
It's not you, it's me, and mean it.
So, What do I want from you?
That moment of clarity. The pure, honest truth.

Maybe it hurt that day, maybe it hurt for 40 years, but today the great thing I can take away from all of this is:

"Baby I'm beautiful, and there's nothing wrong with me."