Me...Today

I have been sharing a lot of experiences and occurrences lately, but as to sharing of myself, it's been pretty surface. It's easy to share your day, or a third party story, but as to how each interaction touches you personally, those are the events that make a moment important...valuable.

I spent the past few days in New Orleans and I got to party like it was my job...again. I do this, time after time. Smiling and dancing and drinking and spreading love - reminding the world around me that I am special, if only for a couple days. I can make anyone giggle. I can make the surliest and most bitter, laugh and smile. I appreciate the music of life and share that with everyone around me.

The funny thing about this special talent of mine is that it all stems from the fact that I have felt so little love... received so few smiles. The world around me is serious. My childhood was serious. The standards I was held to as a child were too tall for me to grasp. I make people happy, because I wanted that so desperately in my life. The moment that stands out in my childhood, which I wrote about in my first published work, was the moment that my father told me not to call him Dad. I have spent my entire life letting things roll off my back and putting on a  smile because that is how I trained myself to cope with the fact that my father did not, would not, acknowledge me as his child. The one person he was supposed to love back.
I thought I had let it go.
My outer person shows the world that I am unaffected.
The reality is, it has molded everything about me.
Why I can't sustain a relationship with a man, or continue to choose men who are simply unavailable.
Why I believe I am so undeserving.
How easy it is for me to push people away and keep everyone at an arms distance...keeping myself safe.

How I have let cocktails and giggles define me to the world, so the world wouldn't be saddened by another damaged parcel.
A gift to everyone but myself.

This week, I pushed someone so hard while simultaneously having the best time of my life, and showing those around me how to have a good time...how fun I am. It is quite a talent I would say, to bring people together with your charm while keeping them away with moments of doubt and foolish antics. I am a professional at this. If it were a career, I would be rich.